Mayor to celebrate 110th anniversary of Great Baltimore Fire, begins with Firefighter cuts.
City Hall, Baltimore – A jubilant Mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake Hologram announced that Baltimore will celebrate the 110th anniversary of the Great Baltimore Fire of 1904.
The event, which is scheduled for February 7th and 8th, 2014 (and has the tentative name of BurnScape), is the pinnacle of a series of events coordinated by the Mayor’s Office, including the reduction of fire service and historic lack of attention paid to blighted property. In preparation for the event, the Mayor has proposed changing the city’s motto to “Baltimore: The City That Burns.”
In her announcement, the Mayor said the event will be the culmination of seemingly unintelligible policy. “This all began with cutting firefighting here, you see,” the SRB M.U.P.P.E.T. said. “People seem to think I don’t know what I’m doing, but they’re just being reckless and irresponsible. Naysayers. After all, we have a gazillion vacants here with a declining population. But not as big a decline as you media types or the U.S. Census Bureau with your “facts” claim! To cut any firefighting in these circumstances would be foolish in normal circumstances! Do you think I’m dumb or something? Jayne Miller, why are you chuckling?”
“Vacants to Values isn’t restoring them all no matter how much press you media folks give me. So in a way this is your fault too. Anyway, vacants burn. You know it, I know it. So let’s just set them ablaze instead. Let’s rebirth this city like a Phoenix… with panache!”
According to C.R.A.P. (Commission to Reap Awesome Profits) financial projections – which have been historically used with ventures such as the Hilton Hotel and Baltimore Grand Prix – BurnScape will have a projected economic impact of thirty million-trillion dollars.
The Mayor defended the projections vigorously, saying: “By reducing Baltimore City to smoldering ash we will reap trillions from insurance. Trillions! Yes, the residents will have to pay a little more. Well, those who survive anyway. But if you wanna have a car race, you have to cut down a few trees. Hm, I may need to trademark that saying. HEY RYAN TRADEMARK THAT SAYING FOR ME.”
As an added incentive, the Mayor noted other indirect benefits of lighting the city on fire. “We’ve all heard about ruin porn – pictures of blighted property – being a big deal for the yuppies. Well, we want to take it to the next level. Why put money into restoring the places? You get more bang for your burn by just setting it on fire. See what I did there? Not to mention the fact that Baltimore is big business for Hollywood. House of Cards? We did that. Veep? My idea. If we burn baltimore to the ground we can run the whole post apocalyptic movie racket! That means jobs.”
Bobby Curran, who was appearing at a BRATPAC rally, noted the scientific significance of the action. “This is groundbreaking cause we’ll have a whole new breed of people who won’t even need emergency service! Think about it. Without firefighters and medics only the strongest will survive. We’ll have evolved people in Baltimore who are practically invincible! Some famous guy talked about it a lot. I think he was called Professor X.”
In a statement, Bill Henry declined to comment, saying he needed to “Go for a long walk. A long walk. A loooooooong walk.”