Spontaneous Deadification: The New Threat to Baltimore?

2008 has been a year of great progress for the city of Baltimore with regard to its murder rate; with fewer than 200 murders and less than three months to go until the year’s end, the city has not seen such numbers since before the infestation of crack cocaine in the early 1980s. But in an alarming trend, a new public health concern has arisen – Spontaneous Deadification. The disease is on a sharp rise, up nearly 600% with over 150 cases noted thus far in 2008.

The symptoms of spontaneous deadification, a chronic condition that has no known cure, are easily spotted: large, open sores shaped like holes or slits on the head and/or chest, often featuring a solid metallic discharge or similar, larger sore on the other side of the body with possible eruptive spattering. Further indications include glassy eyes, non responsive behavior, or if the condition has set in, rigid limb syndrome.

Unfortunately, the cause of spontaneous deadification is also widely unknown, but frequently upon onset a loud popping noise can be heard either from a distance or relatively close to the patient. The current theory is that SD (spontaneous deadification) is a stress-related disorder, often occurring during or after outdoor altercations among citizens.

Faced with this sudden public health crisis, mayor Sheila Dixon seems unphased. “SD is nothing to be alarmed about. We haven’t yet seen more than three cases in our most vulnerable citizens, the homeless. I know this because I check on them every day outside of city hall about a block away.”

She continues, “However, if the rumors hold true that SD is a stress-related disorder, we should rapidly pass legislation to form anti-stress task forces around the city. Uniformed stress-relief enforcers should patrol the city and prevent stress wherever they can, reducing the incidence of SD whenever possible. If citizens are observed by these enforcers to be elevating stress in the community, we would grant them the authority to apprehend these stressors and bring them to a solitary stress-relief center where they would take classes on how to lower their personal stress and alleviate the stress in the world around them. The benefits for the city of Baltimore would be astounding.”

Whether or not the root cause of SD will be discovered is unknown at this time, but James B. Kraft has already introduced a bill to create anti-stress task forces “before stress in the city becomes like Hiroshima.” He notes, “It’s a ticking time bomb! If we don’t act now, we could have stress occurring all over the city, and spontaneous deadification could wipe us all out!”

More on this situation as it develops.