Peter Angelos scraps Orioles roster, replaces with velociraptor clones

Faced with the current failure of this season’s Orioles magic, as well as the death of a convicted petty criminal and a 3-win record this season, Orioles owner Peter Angelos has decided to listen to his critics and do what many feel he has needed to for years now; replace the entire roster with cloned supervelociraptor humanoids.

The move, which will cost Angelos somewhere in the $400 million range – a sum which he “found in his sock drawer somewhere” – should be completed by the end of May. While many see the clones to be abominations, Angelos remarks “The proof will be in the pudding. These supervelociraptor clone humanoids have been conditioned within their cloning tubes to be perfect at baseball in every way. And really, the total cost is minimal considering the fact that they have no base salary and will work for raw meat.”

“Granted, they may accidentally on occasion eviscerate a Red Sox runner trying to steal 2nd, but probably, no one will care.”

While the clones’ conditioning to be perfect baseball players remains to be seen, Velociraptors do feature superior leaping abilities and have been shown to have a complex system of vocal communication, as featured in the scientific documentary Jurassic Park III.

Whether these innate abilities can translate to baseball and lead the cloned Orioles to victory? We’ll just have to wait and see.

Velociraptor Matusz

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