Facing the possibility of repeating 2009’s record of Worst Team in The AL East, Baltimore Orioles manager Dave Trembley has made the revolutionary decision to incorporate actual magic into the Orioles playing strategy, in an effort to give the struggling team an edge.
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“‘Orioles Magic’ has been our theme for the past few seasons,” Trembley remarked, “and up until this point the lack of using actual magic in our gameplay has probably hindered the possibility of making it to the playoffs.” When asked about what manner of magic the Orioles would be utilizing during their 2010 season, Trembley stated “Well we’ll probably get Wieters to sacrifice a goat or a virgin or something before each game, to appease the dark lords, but really it’s going to be a hodgepodge of dark wizardry and traditional stage magic.”
“You might at some point see Bergesen throw what appears to be a slider, at which point the ball will split into a cluster of tiny balls, confusing the hitter. Or if there’s a grounder headed out to left field, someone in the bullpen might summon a swarm of bees, distracting the shortstop or whoever might be capable of stopping the ball. That sort of thing.” |
When pressed further on the topic of dark wizardry, Trembley gave a smirk and stated briefly, “Well now I don’t want to give away too much here, but two words: Hell Maw.”
Will a Hell Maw at Camden Yards be enough to turn the tide for this season’s Orioles? Time will tell.
My brother posted pictures of the Phillies opener in DC over on The Decline. He is not, despite his protestations, a professional photographer.
Whatever works is the operative theory.
Kali ma, shakthi deh!
I’m all for it — even simple dark magic, like appealing to Jobu to drive the fear from bats.
Fucking love that movie
Hey bartender, Jobu needs a refill!