Dixon unveils new “cap and trade” emissions program

At a press conference last Friday, Sheila Dixon unveiled a new phase in the plan to further the “Greener Baltimore” initiative and make Baltimore a more eco-friendly, livable environment – a cap and trade emissions program. “You see, it is a scienamiffic fact that cows are known to expellify a great deal of greenhouse gasseses, which is a major contributing factor to climate change” the mayor noted. “Well, the same is could be true with people. What this program is gonna be designed to do is to lower the carbon footamaprint of the collective population of the city by giving each citizen of Baltimore a certain allotment of greenhouse gas they may expel, up to a certain point.”

“Once that point is exceeded, they must pay the city directly for each additional gas expulsion. In the event that an individual has a excess allotment at month’s end, they may tradeify the excess amount with another more gassier individual.”

When asked as to how these emissions may be measured and or quantified on an individual basis, the mayor simply stated, “Robots.” Her left eye then began to wander, and she fell asleep.

The initiative is expected to draw a lot of controversy, especially from chronically gassy disabled advocate groups such as Sufferers of Dyspepsia and Citizens with Crohn’s Disease.