Scientology Digest – 10/28/2008

Dear E.D., Bruce, John, Charles, Guy, Katherine, Jonathan, Michael, Elizabeth, Colleen, Joseph, Ryan, Marion, Rebecca, Scott, Frank, Timothy, Sharon, Roger, Angeline, Michael, Michael, Zachary, “Charlie,” F. Wallace, Robert, Jennifer, Darryl, Peter, Dennis, Charles, Sara, Kimberly, Joan, Steven, Joseph, and Steven,

How are you guys? Haven’t heard from you in a while. What’s it been, like three months since I received your letter? Let me start by personally thanking you all for taking the time to have your correspondence hand-delivered to my mother’s house, that’s very thoughtful of you and I appreciate that “go-get-’em” spirit that lawyers being retained by the church of scientology often demonstrate. It really shows your passion for your work! It was truly a legal document with a lvl 6 quality worthy of the internet.

And since I have been put on notice that you fine folks in Clearwater are totally wise to my personal terrorist actions of taking photographs and my association with those zany internet terrorists Anonymous, I would like to outline to you all my devious plans for the future… like the next year, or so? I will break these down in chronological order:

  • Step 1 (app. 1 month) – I will purchase an aeroponic garden and use it to grow spinach in my living room. The iron contained in spinach, upon consuming it, will fortify my blood and block additional body thetans from entering my body, subverting their confusion techniques and safeguarding my household from reliving the Space Opera. Once my body (and subsequently mind) is fortified, I can begin thinking/doing more clearly and move onto the next phase.
  • Step 2 (3 weeks) – I will learn to become invisible.
  • Step 3 (the rest of the year) – I will totally watch hot girls shower without them ever knowing it.
  • Step 4 (last year) – I will bring down Scientology from the inside. More on that later.
  • Step 5 – EAT CAKE

So while I’m not threatening anyone with bombs or simulated anthrax, please tell your scientology retainers that I will be dismantling their organization last year using very stealthy and mysterious techniques. I hope this helps and look forward to our further correspondence.

Very Truly Yours,


p.s. Tell Tom I said hi!

This letter is being sent today.

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