Dear Baltimore Bars/Restaurants: Charge Yankees Fans More

And so tonight begins the fabled mass invasion of Yankees fans coming to Baltimore as the weekend series begins, which is sort of like those loud droning cicadas that appear every 17 years, but instead they appear a few times every year, and they’re a lot fatter. At any rate, one of the driving forces bringing the hordes of mouth breathers to Baltimore would be the immensely cheap ticket prices, affordable accommodations, and practically free cost comparison to that of New York, to which I say: Charge Them More, Bars and Restaurants!

I mean, coz they’re used to paying more, right? Normally? In New York? Where a hamburger is $4,000 and there’s literally a “leaving town tax“to get home to your far more affordable city of residence via the Jersey Turnpike* ? It would be so easy to fleece a Yankees fan, hell even if you artificially raised the price of a Miller Lite to $8 a Yankees fan would be all like “WHAT?!? 8 BUCKS?! WHAT A BARGAIN!” Not only that, but as a matter of civic duty to the city – which as we know is always fiscally toilet-bound – you’d be helping keep Baltimore’s economy alive with the additional tax revenues. Do it for Baltimore!

Now you may be asking, “But how’s management supposed to know whether a person is a Yankees fan or not?”

Seems pretty straightforward, right?

However, on the off chance that your marked fan isn’t wearing Yankees accouterments**, there’s always the shortlist of Telltale Signs of a Yankees Fan™:

  • Aforementioned mouthbreathing
  • Conversations in excess of 110 decibels containing no less than 70 references to Derek Jeter
  • Bruises on the face from recent fistfights
  • A minimum of three gold chains around the neck
  • Foul odor

And so Baltimore bars and restaurants, there’s your game winning strategy. You know it must be done.

*and don’t get me started on Deleware, those bastards
**exceedingly rare

(photo c/o New York Times, read the watermark if you don’t believe me)

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