3 Alternatives to PETA’s proposed help to keep the Poe House open

The Daily Record initially broke the news on January 31st that Baltimore’s Edgar Allen Poe house, a museum no one goes to, could be forced to shut down in 2012 unless it maintains funds previously given by the city to keep the Poppleton rowhome-slash-museum up and running. Over the course of the past few weeks the news popped up in the LA Times and other media sources, apparently causing some sort of nationwide interest in a museum that no one has ever been to. Fast forward to yesterday, and we have the Baltimore Sun (and others) reporting that animal rights activist group PETA has proposed placing a pro-vegan ad in the space in exchange for monetary support, which let’s face it, doesn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of happening – especially considering their ludicrous attempt to stop the Baltimore Ravens from using a live raven at home games and deeming it “cruel” to expose the bird to bright lights and loud noises.

At any rate, given all of this we’re still in the troubling position of losing a national landmark that no one goes to, so what should be done about it? Who will carry the massive burden of donating the princely sum of $85,000 to keep this historically significant treasure trove open? Here are a few totally rad suggestions!

	POE TOWERS: MIXED USED LUXURY CONDOS AND RETAIL! If there’s one thing Baltimore developers seem to cream their jeans over, it’s mixed-use luxury condos and retail. It’s no secret that the Poe House is in a pretty crappy area, known more for low-rise projects and brownfield than culturally significant poets, which means the land should be really cheap! Who cares about $85,000 to keep the Poe House open when it could be absorbed into a giant, sprawling condominium complex and carry the Poe name you’ve known and loved! Get that wizardly genius Pat Turner to buy up some 15 acres or so, grease the wheels at city hall, and stimulate this city’s economy by having the very first museum-slash-condo-slash-retail development!
	SELL THE MALE/FEMALE STATUE! Let’s just tack this onto the old 5 alternative uses list for the Male/Female statue, I mean, this thing is probably worth $85,000 in scrap metal alone. Plus, getting rid of the statue would improve the entire city’s quality of life, a cheer would erupt from the populace at large by ridding our retinas of the metal gobstrocity while simultaneously saving the Edgar Allen Poe house. It’s a win win.
	THE BALTIMORE F**KING RAVENS! Not that I would expect to see Joe Flacco at a pre-fire Donna’s reading the collective works of Poe, or Ray Lewis giving dramatic readings of The Fall of the House of Usher at the Hippodrome (maybe Usher could do it though), but for crap’s sake, the Ravens literally owe their existence to Edgar Allen Poe, as far as their identity is concerned. Shit, you could probably hit up Ray Rice at a house party and ask him for $85,000 on the spot and he’d probably come up with at least half of it in his wallet, or around his neck in some form.

Seriously, $85,000 is nothing to the Ravens organization. Steve Bisciotti could find that much money under his couch cushion or his cereal bowl, save the day for the museum and roll it into some PR golden chalice with a kid’s literacy program and a big ol’ “The Ravens Care” banner at every home game next season. And hey, if they got the word out, people might actually go to the museum!

….bwahahahaha yeah right

(or they could just let it close like the Public Works Museum, Shot Tower, Civil War Museum, on and on and on)