Opening Day Exclusive – unPeter Angelos, the interview

Lo, the highest Baltimore holiday in existence – Orioles Opening Day – is upon us, and to mark the occasion I felt it appropriate to have a fireside chat with the most powerful man in Baltimore, unPeter Angelos. Our interview lasted 6 days and ended in a great deal of love-making.

It has been widely reported that Orioles manager Dave Trembley has decided to use some “Orioles Magic” of his own by going so far as to summon a hell maw in the middle of Camden Yards to the give team an edge. Your thoughts?

Did Andy tell you that? Dammit! For the last time, a hell maw is absolutely out of the question. If there’s one thing I’ve learned about ownering from the Albert Belle deal, it’s that you don’t just go around making long term commitments to gigantic, soulless, hell maws.

Plus, we’d have to use up a roster spot for any hellbeast, and our long term plans are still firmly focused on engineering a Jim Palmer clone using his plastic surgery discards.

I see. So, which Oriole is your favorite Oriole and why?

May favorite Oriole – before Matt came along – was 1979 Eddie Murray’s mustache. It’s thick, healthy, and robust. I plan to retire there one day. Perhaps build a two-bedroom log cabin bungalow in his sideburns. Maybe open a snowball stand. Aw, hell…I’m just a sentimental old coot with dreams.

Speaking of Matt Wieters, how handsome is Matt Wieters?

On a scale of 1 to 10, I’d say…Infinity. Look at him. Every time he walks past the club house, Amber Theoharris has a seizure and Dave Trembley starts speaking in tongues. We’ve actually instructed staff to look at the ground when he enters a room. For their own safety.

So what do you think about the O’s chances this year?

I’m a realist. You don’t last in the business as long as I have without being a keen observer and making measured decisions based on sound analysis.

I think the Orioles are going to win the World Series and probably the Super Bowl too.

Fantastic. Now I’d like to ask you some personal questions, if you don’t mind. How is lil’ Kirby Puckett’s ghost doing?

I haven’t heard from him. I miss him terribly. Terribly. But Wild Bill Hagy’s ghost is as ornery as ever. I woke up just last week to find he’d emptied two or three bottle of National Bohemian beer in my sock drawer. He’s a lovable rogue. And by lovable rogue I mean an unconscionable, drunken son of a bitch.

If you could be any animal, what would it be and what other animal would you eat?

A unicorn that eats other unicorns. And I’d have wings too, as to sweep in and capture unsuspecting wingless unicorns from the skies. I think I’d also eat unicorn-flavored Doritos.

If you could create a robot to do one thing for you in life, what would it be?

I’d like a robot that could do full body scans to identify cancerous moles. I’m zealous about skin health, seeing as I have so much of it. I trust robots much more than I trust people. Except that girl robot on “Small Wonder”. She was a mendacious whore who never answered any of my letters.

As a rich guy, you can have pretty much anything. What’s your favorite thing?

Ah, my blimp: “The Orange Icarus”. It’s a fine machine, not too flashy. I was just looking for something to get me from point A to B, really. It was manufactured in Germany shortly after the Hidenburg fender bender. Seats 12. She’s got some kick, too with a 600-horsepower diesel engine that I’ve converted to run on clean, environmentally friendly panda fat.

Speaking of money, when you roll around in your huge piles of money in your tower, do you ever think of the children out there?

I’m really glad you asked that.

What do you want people to know about you?

That I’m just a Baltimorean…like everyone else. Except I make more money in a week than most people do in a year. And if I wanted to, I could buy Liberia. I’m serious. I asked them, and they said they’d totally sell it. Some think I’m the type of guy whose real self might sue his fake Twitter self. I’m complex. Like a puzzle, wrapped in an enigma, stuffed into a gyro. Or a Rubik’s cube.

But really, I’m just a guy who loves this town. I love the Orioles. And I loves the fans, even if they don’t love me back all the time. I’m okay with that. People didn’t like Stalin either.

Anything else you’d like to add?

I’d like to thank you for asking me these questions. It takes a lot of courage for someone like you to interview someone like me.


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