Baltimore’s City Council faces one of the most apocalyptic budget crises in …ever, to the tune of a $121 million shortfall. $50 million of the projected gap is expected to be paid for via a slew of fees and increased revenue grabs, many of which absolutely boggle the mind.
But I say the proposed bottle fees, bed fees, bee fees and fee fees aren’t effective enough – and definitely not awesome enough. Here are a few ideas I’ve got kicking around which will undoubtedly and 100% positively fix the budget for this upcoming fiscal year and for all eternity, as well as ensure any official backing them a windfall re-election!
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Murder Tax – Every time someone in the city gets murdered, everyone gets a $50 fine. Public safety is everyone’s responsibility, not just the police! Murder may be at a 30+ year low in the city, but that’s not good enough! How else are we going to pay for those double dipped city pensions? |
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Yankees Fan Tax – Every single Yankees fan that crosses the city line with the intent of attending a sporting or social event must first register with the city and pay a $50 public nuisance fee. Yankees fans already save literally thousands of dollars by traveling to Baltimore and visiting Camden Yards versus their own overpriced venues, so this fee is vastly minimal compared to the city wide disruption caused by Yankees fans during their stay. |
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TV Tax – See coz like the Europeans do it, so should Americans. The revenue garnered from The ESPN Zone alone could fund every fire house in the city! Plus a lot of hipsters in Baltimore really hate TVs in bars or TVs in general, so this tax would only suit their lifestyle choices and give them more of a sense of entitlement. Win win! |
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Crabcake Tax – This one could be couched under “environmental protection” or something. Like you know because the Bay is in danger, and people eat too much crab off season, and also we should tax ranch dressing because it’s bad for you. |
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Dirty Car Fines – While the city may be making inroads into fining people for leaving their giant piles of trash out on city sidewalks, this isn’t even close to the triple play effect of fining people for having exceedingly dirty cars. Firstly, dirty cars are an eyesore and eyesores = lowered property values.. Secondly, it stimulates the local economy and opens the door for small business owners to take advantage of a newly designated “Arts and Carwash District” coming to the west side. Third, ….there is no third thing. |
Members of the council, I await your phone calls.
Yankees fan tax can be extended to Boston fan tax. Even if you reside in baltimore.
Maybe the murder tax should be just the people in that neighborhood get taxed. That way people will start getting killed in the richer neighborhoods because fuck those guys.
Maybe the city can charge people to throw rocks at Sheila Dixon’s house/face. That would probably be a pretty sizeable windfall. that might help cover her misappropriated pension!
These are all solid ideas and they deserve recognition by the highest authority (me).