The City That Breeds » Baltimore » Police Commissioner: “We’ve Got Batman.”

Police Commissioner: “We’ve Got Batman.”

At a press conference atop Baltimore City Police Headquarters Monday evening, Police Commissioner Frederick Bealefeld ceremonially flipped the power switch to a generator, operating an 800,000,000 candle power searchlight. A powerful beam streaked through the sky and illuminated the Inner Harbor with a familiar symbol.


“Ladies and Gentlemen,” Bealefeld stated, “We’ve got Batman.”

After a round of applause from city officials, reporters and invited citizens, the commissioner continued. “Now more than ever, this city’s citizens need help. In an effort to ensure that this year’s homicide and violent crime rates remain at historic lows – especially in the face of the high profile, internationally recognized murders of Stephen Pitcairn and Milton Mill – we need all the assistance we can get. We need superheros, and possibly some wizards.”

“The Bat Signal, on loan from the gracious citizens of Gotham City, will surely give our police force the boost it needs to prevent another 24 murders for the next 30 days, until the signal returns to Gotham on August 30th. After this time we will be soliciting the citizens of New York to loan one or more of their many superheros, preferably Spider Man.”

Batman has been a controversial governmentally sanctioned vigilante crime fighter for years, and his arrival in Baltimore will undoubtedly spark additional tension among those that feel the police department is failing at their duties. The addition of Batman to Baltimore’s public safety effort on the part of Bealefeld may be seen as an admission that the police department has been struggling to act as little more than cleanup crew for gangland style murderers, a peer group that Batman is especially effective at dealing with. Whether or not Batman or subsequent superheroes hired by the city will wind up being truly effective as a public safety measure remains to be seen.

In other news, billionaire industrialist Bruce Wayne will be arriving in Baltimore tomorrow night on business until August 31st.

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  • As far as I know, Batman still needs high speed inner-city driving. Should Bealefeld have waited for Operation Orange Cone to end?

    • I saw a guy in a cape last night waiting 43 minutes for the Orange Line. Dunno if it was him but he looked PISSED

  • I had a dream last night that I refused to meet Batman. Coincidence? Or something far more sinister?!?

  • Mike

    I figured he’d wait for all the indy race preparations before he’d take his talents to baltimore.

    i wonder when we are going to get some vigilantes in baltimore.

  • @Mike — We’ll probably get the fat Batman knock-offs from the first few scenes of “The Dark Knight.”

  • Mike

    WHAT GIVES YOU THE RIGHT?

  • i can’t wait for the new batman movie to come out…the dark knight was so amazing! best movie ever!