MISSED CONNECTIONS
You know that unsettling guy from the bar you were avoiding on Friday night, or how about that girl that won’t leave you alone at the gym? Here is where you’ll find them, in their tragic, creepy entirety.
“Yogurt Parfaits (internetz)”
Date Posted: February 22, 2013
Sex: Female (for M)
Age: 29
Message: “You know more about me than anyone, things I would never dream of admitting out loud. That makes me excited and scared, but it gets me through the day. I thank you for your support and trust. Its nice to finally feel safe. Which is terrifying. I hope sharing pizza irl doesn’t change how it is now. Good things come to those who wait? Or those who just refuse to settle anymore.”
Questions Raised: This saddens me. It starts out like your usual missed connection, and then takes a dreadful turn at that pizza. Ladies, ladies, stop putting yourselves out there for men you meet online. I’m not saying that online dating is bad, I’m saying don’t share all your personal secrets and life stories with someone you’ve never met. What if he stands you up for your IRL pizza date? What if he’s only good at emailing back and forth? I’m worried that you’re emailing him things you can’t even say out loud to yourself. DANGER, DANGER. I want to sit you down and give you Online Dating 101 – A Crash Course in Safety for Your Heart and Physical Being. You’re 29, not 19. You should know better.
“Breastfeeding (Hunt Valley Light Rail)”
Date Posted: February 25, 2013
Sex: Male (for Woman)
Age: n/a
Message: “You were on the light rail to hunt valley this morning. You had your baby son with you and you were breastfeeding him. I didn’t pay it any mind until I happened to glance up and saw your beautiful breast. I found myself infatuated and my mouth watered, craving to have a go myself at those lovely beautiful things. If you like the idea of having them played with and sucked on by someone other than your son, hit me up. I’d love to chat.”
Questions Raised: Liar. You don’t want to chat to this woman. You want to objectify her. Do you know what I actually spend my days dreaming of? That one day I can become a mother solely so I can be oogled by strangers on public transportation while I attempt to nourish my child. Nothing is more seductive than a man who goes to Craigslist to admit he was checking out your rack while you were with your infant. I am all about some women’s and motherly rights here, but then I see things like this and realize it’s not the fear of offending others that should deter potential public breastfeeding moms – it’s being offended by creepers like this.
JOBS Get extra cash the classy way – selling your body and self esteem on Craigslist!
“Dirty Deeds – Done Dirt Cheap!!”
Date: February 20, 2013
Message: “. This post is for your folks who need to know if someone (mabey your love, mabey not) is making an ass out of you.
I have experience with this, but I am not a licenced a private detective.I can’t be used in court as a professional wittness, but if I see it and document the act , YOU SEE IT TO.
I am that fly on the wall, that extra ear n eye.
This is a great feature to have. One lady calls me her . ‘secret weapon’ People cannot (WILL NOT if I am involved) get over on her in most scenarios. I will do about anything ask within the law. But honestly that window is broad. And I have connections in a few agency’s.
Now that we understand what I do, You need to know price. Well at first I will only charge a minimum gas and time fee to establish that the “target” is doing wrong. Once I demonstrate that there is a need for my service , then we can talk fees.I will not just say “there is wrong doing” I will SHOW you, of course. After the initial ‘Check Up” , there may be not even a need for further ‘work’. Then your mind is at east and you and yours are safe to proceed with whatever it is you do.
Considering what private det’s. charge. $150-200 an hr!!!! or more. I am the ‘back yard mechanic’ of investigation world. Call me and we will put your mind at ease. This I PROMISE.
443-XXX-XXX. Just ask for Bullitt. call any time and if you leave a message then we will get back to.”
Questions, Comments, Concerns: Call “me” and “we” will put your mind at ease? Is this one person, or five? My mind is not at ease, not remotely. I’m getting some hints of Saul Goodman, except they’re not even trying to put up any semblance of a legal facade. How is this filed under, “legal services”? None of this seems government sanctioned. It’s half stalking, half fraud. Bullit never does me the favor of quoting me a price, which is a shame. It’s truly ironic that he wants to help you learn if someone is making an ass out of you, because, I mean, look at the post. His name is freaking Bullitt.
“The Wire XXX Porn Parody (All Over)”
Date Posted: February 16, 2013
Message: “I’m going to be in the area for a few days, so why not scout for talent. I’m working with New Sensations. We are looking for men, ages 18-25. This will be a straight porn parody of the hit show The Wire. Please let me know if your interested.”
Questions Raised: I take back what I said about someone leering on a breastfeeding mother being the most seductive thing on earth. No, nothing can possibly beat a porn parody of “The Wire.” The scene: A desolate street somewhere in West Baltimore. Cans of Natty Boh are caught in weaves that pass in the breeze like tumbleweeds, and vacant rowhomes line the pavement, accented by the sexiest pieces of plywood. Detective Jimmy McNutty has been looking for bodies in these vacants, with the assistance of Detective Kima Grinds. They kick down a door and find a body… of a large man. “Omar’s cummin'” he announces. The scene progresses precisely as one thinks it would. Cheese Wags-Staff makes a guest appearance.
“SUPER DOOPER – Pooper Scooper (West Balt. Metro area)”
Date: February 25, 2013
Message: “Are you a reliable, hardworking, responsible person who loves working outdoors and likes dogs?
Do you enjoy working independently?
We are the most super duper pooper scooper company in the country and we need help!
DoodyCalls provides premium quality “Pooper Scooper” services and community cleaning to homes and communities.
Generally speaking, you will get a daily route of clients – residential and/or commercial. For residential, you will drive to the house, throw Sparky a treat (if he is outside), walk the yard and “scoop the poop” and drive on to the next house. For commercial, you will service pet waste stations in communities and in some cases, walk the grounds and clean.
This position is perfect for somebody who enjoys working outside, is very responsible, and takes pride in their work. Feel free to listen to music or pod casts as you work!
We respect our team and value their contributions.
Our ideal employee is an animal loving, self-motivated, highly dependable worker with a good driving record, attention to detail, and with a strong ability to focus on the work at hand. Very good customer service skills are also very important.
To learn more about our company please visit http://www.doodycalls.com
We are looking to recruit 1-2 new team members. We will be scheduling interviews upon reviewing applications and the selection of qualifying candidates. Currently, the job is 15-20 hours/week (full days Thursday and Friday) with potential for more hours as we grow.
Employees drive a marked DoodyCalls pick up truck. Initially, you will drive to the location it is being kept in Glen Burnie at and pick it up. Eventually, you will either take home the truck and park it at your residence (*note: you must be able to park a commercial truck at your residence) or leave in a safe parking lot overnight.
Please email your resume and a brief description of why you feel this job is right for you.
We will need a copy of your DMV record and police record before we are able to formally offer a position.
Doody is calling – will you answer?
Some of the requirements:
-computer, email and printer access
-cell phone with both email access and texting
-provide your own transportation to the company truck (it will be parked either at another employee’s house or a parking lot and you will go pick it up)
-when you have your own truck, you mus be allowed by your neighborhood or HOA to park it at your residence overnight.
-ability to lift 50 lbs
-willingness to work outdoors in cold, hot, rain (we work unless it is extreme weather i.e. thunderstorms, snow, dangerous cold, etc)
-willingness to occasionally work on Saturdays (very rarely, if we have several days of bad weather during the week)
-no vision problems or color blindness
-good customer service skills, friendly, honest
-good, safe driver
-independent worker, self motivated, reliable
-you like dogs and are comfortable around them
-clean, professional appearance/uniform (we wear khakis or clean jeans/pants and a logoed shirt or jacket and hat)
-background criminal check and clean driving record required”
Questions, Comments, Concerns: This is the best job posting I’ve ever read in my life, and I’ve read some absurd ones. Are you an independent worker? Wanna scoop some shit? Do you enjoy being outside and listening to podcasts? We’ll ruin that for you by ensuring you forever associate it with picking up shit. Love dogs? Get paid to slowly begin to resent them! Can you focus your attention to detail on turds? Can you pass an intensive screening and interview process to, I’ll say it again, pick up shit? You need a clean driving record to drive their Shit Shame Truck since you not only pick up poo, but have to drive their car that advertises that fact. You need to have a resume to apply, and explain why this job, picking up CRAP, is right for you. “Because I have no self esteem left.” Oh man, and their tagline: “Doody is calling – will you answer?” Bonus: you have to be able to lift 50lbs, just in case you have to pick up a massive Mastiff turd one day.
WANTED
Where to go when someone needs that je ne sais quoi you may just own.
“Wanted Pregnant Boer Goat”
Date: February 26, 2013
Cost: $200
Message: “Wanted to buy pregnant boer goats. I am located in harford county but I am will to travel to pick up. I am just looking for pets I have a lot of property, goats will get a great home. If you have any questions please contact me! Thank you!”
Questions, Comments, Concerns: If I have any questions?? Oh, I have some questions. Why do these goats need to be pregnant, especially if they’re just going to be your pets? How can I trust you’ll be good to the goats, and not go all Cruella de Vil and make goat coats out of them? I’m going to need some more validation on all accounts, here.
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