As the year 2011 came to a close, everybody’s favorite critical darling the Baltimore Grand Prix suddenly and very very unexpectedly had its 5 year contract with the city of Baltimore terminated as organizers failed to pay over $27 million in taxes, fees, blood sacrifices, back door campaign contributions and $100 Best Buy gift cards to the city’s elected officials who unflinchingly supported the event in spite of the fact that it never even landed a title sponsor. So after a year and change, thousands of hours of road construction, free money from the Stadium Authority and a wildly successful/unprofitable event, Baltimore City and potential investors of the endangered organization are left with a red headed orphan at their doorstep (ewwwww).
But let’s face it, the City’s pot committed at this point, obviously they’ll figure out a way to endorse this thing for next year in the unending hope that the vast riches promised by street racing will eventually pan out and deliver our struggling budget from a fate worse than ….what it already is. To that end, we’re going to need some tricks up our sleeves, some aces in the holes, some eight balls in the corner pockets, and some other analogies for success in order to get the Grand Prix into the limelight and start really selling those tickets in addition to scoring high profile sponsorships. Here are four ideas that are guaranteed to work!
Changes to the track
Fact of the matter is, racetracks are incredibly boring. Hardly any loopdy-loops, definitely no fire pits, it’s basically just really flat asphalt with the occasional curve or pile of tires and/or flaming car to avoid. Which is why I propose extending the race track northward all the way up Charles St. to Penn Station and adding a ramp over the Male/Female statue. It would make for an amazing display of car-related awesomeness, and also provide the very likely chance that one of the Indy cars would fail to make the jump, and crash into/destroy the Male/Female statue. This possibility alone would more than likely attract millions from potential investors!
Free Nintendor BDS with Mario Kart BDS with ticket
If there’s one thing people love, it’s free crap. Especially if said free crap can distract their children for long periods of time while they’re trying to watch vehicles driving past them at high speeds and drinking heavily. Unfortunately, in order to provide every ticket holder with a free Nintendo 3DS preloaded with Mario Kart 3DS (in keeping with the theme of the event, natch), at ~$220 a pop x~100,000 might stretch the budget a bit. Fortunately, Chinese gaming company Nintendor has their own version called the BDS, which comes preloaded with Mario Kart BDS, and only plays Mario Kart BDS, and costs $10 (may explode in your child’s face). Organizers may also want to consider giving away a free Sorny Planestation here and there (MSRP $14) or a Marcintosh iPlaid (MSRP $25) in the form of a raffle to get patrons excited for the possibility of higher billing prizes.
Final race: Last place car at the end of every lap explodes
Even with totally sweet jumps in place, watching cars zip around a track for hours on end may appeal to some, but for most people it’s pretty dull. Which is why, during the last race of the weekend-long event, every car that happens to be in last place over the course of each lap should explode. HOW AWESOME WOULD THAT BE AND HOW MUCH WOULD YOU PAY TO SEE THAT? I’d pay at least, like, $20.
Googly Eyes on all cars
A strictly cosmetic but still very important decision, placing googly eyes on each and every car in the Grand Prix will appeal to children, children at heart and Tumblr enthusiasts alike, and as a possible option for Pat Turner’s upcoming Westport development project backing its credibility, googly eyes are a sure fire way to entertain and endear a steady stream of indy cars zipping past to the hearts of prix-goers. Just imagine the – haha – hilarious – hahahahaha – image of hahahahahahahahaha! I’m sorry I can’t stop enjoying the good-natured humor of googly eyes!!
Hell, if even half of these ideas gets implemented, instant $300 million in revenue. GET ON IT, PRIX COMMITTEE.
I’d totally pay for it to return if there was a loop-de-loop over the hermaphrodite statue that could possibly take the thing down! I got my kid an electric race car track for Christmas and the cars never make it through the loop-de-loop. I think that is a fantastic solution.