“Hipster President” – the movie

Mashable broke the news today that our president Barack Obama has gone and gotten himself an Instagram account, a web tool commonly used by folks who love to make their camera phone photos look like they’re over 40 years old, for some reason, also a commonly used web tool by nature’s favorite joke, Hipsters.

Twitter was quick to make the obvious joke “Eheheheherheheheher Obama’s a Hipster,” but I see the forest, the *bigger* possibilities – blockbuster big screen comedy film. Yes friends, “Hipster President” most definitely should be a moviefilm or an HBO miniseries of some variety, for its comedic promises are guaranteed to revolutionize comedy and beaten to death internet memes in a way never before seen by humanity. Listen up Hollywood, here’s the pitch:

ACT 1

In a King-Ralphian lob, everyone who happens to be in line of succession for the presidency (all 18 of them) happens to be in the same place at the same time when a very tragic and very zany accident occurs, killing them all hilariously. Due to a loophole in the Constitution or something, the first born son of the Speaker of the House is about to be made President, whether he likes it or not! UH OH!

Smash cut to Brooklyn (or wherever it’s fashionable for hipsters to live at the time of filming, possibly Portland or Denver or Austin) where the audience is introduced to Atticus Rickson, who spends his days selling fair trade wallets at various internet cafes while absconding their wifi connections so he can complain on his iPhone via Twitter about the lacking availability of organic produce he uses his food stamps to purchase.

Atticus hasn’t spoken to his father – the Speaker of the House – since graduating college, resentful of Mr. Rickson for insisting that Atticus “Straighten up and fly right” utilizing his liberal arts degree in Art History for the greater good, possibly even going into the family business (Politics) that made the Ricksons so successful. So what a shock to Atticus, when Secret Service comes knocking on his $1200 a month dining-room-turned apartment when they grab him and force him into a black Escalade!!!

ACT 2

The situation is quickly explained en route to Washington, D.C. as Atticus is apathetically stunned to learn that not only has his father been hilariously killed, but he would be moving into the White House immediately. Atticus is introduced to his plucky staffers, the crusty mean old Republicans that try to discredit him, blah blah blah. Then a series of scenes ensues in which President Rickson makes a general mess of the White House having beer parties and vinyl listening sessions with his friends from Williamsburg instead of dealing with the nation’s issues, which are all being juggled by his plucky staffers and the Act 3 love interest that has a nose piercing and “sees the good in him.”

This contrived dribble continues until…

ACT 3

Where in one scene, Atticus realizes that properly running the country, committing one’s self to public service and *not* being a corrupt pile of shit is – wait for it – not mainstream – and begins to find it cool. He somehow then convinces all of our nation’s hipsters of this via a series of poignant Tumblr posts, and hipsters become America’s greatest asset. The plucky female love interest staffer hugs him deeply and proclaims her love for Atticus, to which he turns to the camera, winks, sips a PBR and says “Whatever.”

THE END

10,000 OSCARS