SpaceManAndy’s Politically Potent Potables for Sober and Sad Sarah

Dear SpaceManAndy, I need booze to get me through the current political climate. Please suggest some cocktails.

Thanks,
Sober and Sad Sarah

Dear Sober and Sad,

No, thank YOU. You’ve given me a chance to combine 2 of my great loves: booze, and asserting my opinion on current events!

It’s true, things are depressing right now. And while I don’t advocate drinking away your sorrows –do as I say, not as I do– I will help you out. Here are a few cocktails I have come up with to help you cope:

1) The Occupy Wherever
AKA: Non-Alcoholic Beer

Like the Occupy events, non-alcoholic beer looks like something, and certainly smells like something, but actually accomplishes nothing. (Cue the hatemail!)

2) The Michelle Bachmann
AKA: Tequila, Jagermeister, and PCP.

This fun little concoction will eliminate your inhibitions. Are you normally aware that it’s inappropriate to be racist in a public forum? Not Michelle Bachmann! With this drink the Tequila will remove your inhibitions, the Jager will make you bold, and the PCP will make you feel like you can do anything! Then you too can make comments like “Not all cultures are created equal” and actually think you could be president!

3) The Ron Paul
AKA: Diva Vodka and Schnozberry Juice

For those of you not familiar with Diva Vodka, it’s the most expensive vodka in the world seeing as how it’s filtered with gems. Schnozberry juice, is of course, the fictional fruit from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Much like Ron Paul’s ideas (like removing government from the institution of marriage), this drink sounds lovely but is totally unrealistic within the constraints of today. (Cue more hatemail!)

4) Barack Obama
AKA: Beer

Let me be more specific. Barack Obama is the keg of beer you promised your friends you would get for that party, but your parents found out what you were trying to do. Now you’re grounded and they won’t let you do anything and now all your friends hate you even though it wasn’t your fault, and you really did intend to do everything you promised. See what I did there? (The parents are Congress)

Honorable mentions:

Tea Party AKA Milk. Just the whitest thing I could think of, also gives a lot of people a queasy, unsettled feeling in their stomach.

The Recession AKA Bathtub Gin. Here are some handy instructions for when even plastic handles of booze become too expensive.

The 99% AKA a martini. Because I like it 99% gin.

The Republican AND Democratic Parties AKA Absinthe. It’s good in moderation, but in extreme doses it fucks everything up.

I don’t know, I guess those could work. Maybe?

SpaceManAndy

Please feel free to post your own political libations in the comments section.