SpaceManAndy & Friends’ Very Special Advice for National Coming Out Day

In honor of National Coming Out Day, I’ve decided to do a very special version of my advice column. Coming out is a very personal thing that’s different for everyone. I can’t just sit here and tell you what to do, so I’ve talked to some people I know to get their perspectives. Hopefully one of these will speak to you. And if you’re not part of the LGBT community, hopefully you will still find this interesting, or inspirational, or informative, or some other i-words I can’t think of right now.

I’ll start:

Andy, Male, 25.

I didn’t tell my family that I liked men until about a year and a half ago. I had always been of the mind that my sex life was none of my parents’ business. And since i wasn’t dating anyone seriously, they had no need to know who I was sleeping with, let alone their gender. I had decided not to tell them until I had someone in my life worth telling them about. April of 2010, I met a great guy. I wanted my parents to be as happy for me as I was for myself. My father was all right with it, but not thrilled. My mother had a harder time with it. Her brother was gay and had a very hard time with it. Eventually he died of AIDS. She has a lot of negative associations with homosexuality. She is slowly coming around, but in waiting until I had someone in my life to tell her about my preferences, I think she will always associate him with my being gay. I think some part of her will always think he “turned me.” This is unfortunate. I wish I had told her that I was gay before I told her about my boyfriend. He came out to his family when he was 15, and his mother dealt with it in a very similar way to my mother, but she has gotten over it. I regret making him have to relive that with me. My advice to those considering coming out is to do it one step at a time. Let your loved ones get used to the change before they have negative associations with someone that’s important to you. If you tell them your preference and they’re cool with it, feel free to move forward.

Another one of my big concerns was how the men in my life might perceive me after I came out. I was concerned that they wouldn’t treat me like on of the guys anymore. It turned out that was not the case at all. I continued to act the way I’d always acted and everyone just went with it. Coming out lets people know a little bit more about you, but it doesn’t change who you are. Just continue to be yourself and most people will treat you the same way they always have in the past.

But that’s just me. Here are some other accounts and advice. I tried to get a broad range of people. Some male, some female, some totally out, and some just in the process (hence the anonymity of some). And thank you to everyone who contributed today. It took a lot of courage.

Anthony, Male, 28.

Just leap. Come out. There isn’t a better time than right now.
Even if today isn’t your first time opening the door, remind everyone you know today. Come out to those who you’ve never told directly. Use it as a tool to start a conversation with someone.

Coming out isn’t a single event; it is a life-long process of standing up for who you are. It is important too. Familiarity is the tool that will finally breaks down the walls of inequality. If we can let people know whom they harm when they stand against fairness under the law for LGBTQ people, if we can remind them that we are their sons, daughters, neighbors, teammates, roommates and parents, only then will we win this struggle.

Liz, Female, 24.

The majority of my family and friends are fairly liberal people. And the ones who aren’t, love me regardless of their religious or political beliefs. I think that’s why I found it so easy to come out. In fact, I never really did “come out.” All I did was just make a decision to stop censoring myself. I switched my Facebook to ‘interested in men and women,’ and started speaking more openly about my feelings toward girls. I figured if I didn’t make it a big deal, no one else would either. The only time I really even bothered to announce ‘Hey, I’m queer’ was on Facebook for NCOD last year. My parents obviously talked to me a little bit about it, but it was more just to clarify things. Really they just wanted to let me know that it made no difference to them, as long as they still got grandchildren somehow. And from most of my friends, all I heard was ‘Yeah, we know.’

I feel very fortunate for having such a chill, anticlimactic “coming out” experience. I’m glad no one made a big deal about it, because it’s /not/ a big deal. I felt no need to have a big talk with my friends and family when I started having feelings for boys, so why should I feel the need to talk with them when I started having feelings for anyone else? I’m just really lucky that everyone else saw it that way, too. Obviously that might not work as well for people who are coming out to close-minded, bigoted individuals, but I do think it helps. My advice to anyone coming out to friends and family today or in the near future would be to just try not to make a big deal out of it. You have nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. If whoever your telling has a bad reaction to the news, that’s on them. Give them time, and they might even come around.

Geoff, Male, 35.

Of all the things I’ve done in my life; of all the decisions I’ve made, coming out was the most cathartic and freeing experience and has left me with no regrets. I’m proud of who I am and I am who I was meant to be.

 

I wish everyone who plans on coming out on National Coming Out Day the very best and offer this bit of advice: Be sure that you’re ready to come out before you do. It’s a big step and requires some semblance of forethought, but whatever your decision, always be proud of who you are even if today isn’t your day to share.

Kristin, female, 27.

I hid myself for almost 4 years to some of the closest to me in my life, including my brother and dad. Coming from a small town in Iowa, there aren’t a lot of LGBT people to relate to, in fact, I didn’t know a single person. I was the typical girly-girl who dated boys, played volleyball, and fawned over Justin Timberlake.

However, when I moved to a city where this lifestyle was more accepted and talked about… I realized I wasn’t everything I thought I was. I lived in the closet in fear of disappointing my family, my friends, not being the “Kristin” everyone knew. For all of those years, I let my happiness go to the side because I wanted to make everyone else happy.

And then one day, I realized it was time to live my life happily again. Coming out definitely was not easy and I swore I wouldn’t make it through each time I made my confession, but I realized quickly how much easier it got as time goes on. My family and friends still love me the same and many applauded me for my bravery and couldn’t be happier for me. If I could offer advice to those coming out, I would say to love yourself first. Realize that what you are is nothing different than anyone else…you have the ability to love someone and be loved. Although not all will agree, think about what matters the most and that ultimately is your happiness. I’ve been out for almost 2 years now and I cannot be happier to openly talk about my girlfriend with such pride and genuine happiness. I’m still the same person and will never let my sexuality define who I am or who I want to be. I encourage anyone that feels brave today to let even one person you haven’t told yet, know who you are. You have a lot of people behind you 🙂

Anonymous, Female, 24.

Coming out is a process I’m still in the middle of. As a bisexual woman who feels just like “me” it is hard to feel the need to come out to anyone. Why can’t I just continue to be the same person my friends and family have always known? It isn’t new to me that I like men and women, so why must I explicitly state it? My personal world is one of little judgement; definitions aren’t imperative.

However, the world I live in loves to define, categorize, and place people. I haven’t found my place in the gay community and I’m not sure I want to. I go back and forth between wanting so badly to be accepted as a bisexual, wanting to have an identifier of a tattoo to flash when I wish to be a part of the group, and not wanting to be defined by who I love at all. I’m just me, whether I’m kissing, the soft, gentle lips of a woman or the strong, supple lips of a man. As someone who has witnessed unhealthy relationships, it all comes down to dating and loving who will treat you well. I’ve come out to some people in my life … and I hope to have the courage soon to tell the rest.

Ryan, male, 33.

Making the decision to come out truly is one of the most difficult steps in life to take; yet the reward far outweighs the fear. When I was young I thought that if I left Narnia behind and finally stepped out of the closet I would be judged and ridiculed. A fear that kept me ‘safely’ tucked away in that lonely place. I finally chose to be true to myself and came out to my closest friend, scared out of my mind.

But amazingly, I found that all of the fears I had were only inside my head. The love and acceptance that I received from my friends and most of my family (hey it wasn’t perfect) was overwhelming. As it turns out, people loved me for who I was, not who I was pretending to be. From that day forward my life has gotten so much better, I am able to be myself and enjoy all of the wonderful things that go along with it. Now the energy I once spent hiding myself from the world is spent embracing life. Be true to yourself, be proud and Come On Out! The world will love you for it.

Anonymous, female, 27.

I remember when I came out to my mentor. He and his partner had been my rock during a rough patch with my family. They’d invite me over for dinner when I didn’t want to go home and even took me in for two weeks when my stepmom kicked me out in the middle of the night. To say these guys are upstanding people is an understatement. But for whatever reason I was still so scared about coming out that I waited until they were moving away to say something.

My mentor was the one I was closest to and it took me forever to work up to it and we were sitting by his car in a parking lot of a burger place and I was crying and I told him that I liked girls and boys and that I was terrified. I told him how I was too scared to tell my parents, our boss, hell, I was even afraid to tell some of my friends. And he was awesome. He hugged me and pet my hair down and gave me some of the most solid advice. He told me that I didn’t have to tell anyone if I didn’t feel like it. That who I loved didn’t matter to him but that he loved me just the same and that who I loved didn’t change who I was as a person, it was just one facet of my life and that I was still a good person for it. Nothing could change that and he’d always be there for me no matter where he lived.

If I had to give any advice, it would be this: You don’t have to tell everyone all at once. I think that was my biggest misgiving. I thought if I came out to one person, I had to come out to everyone and that automatically, without my permission, everyone would know. But that’s not how it is at all. You’re in control of who you tell and who you don’t tell. If you’re scared to come out to everyone you know, that’s okay; but I promise that within your close circle of friends, there is someone you trust that you can tell anything to. The funny part about it is, they might already know, or at least already have some inclination. And if they’re you’re friend, who you love isn’t going to matter an ounce to them. At the end of the day, you’re still going to be the person they share their secrets with, the person they beat down in Halo, the person you clobber at beer pong – that doesn’t change by you coming out. And once you tell that one person, the weight you feel lifted off your shoulders is immense. It always makes me think of what Tim O’Brien wrote in The Things They Carried: “They carried their own lives. The pressures were enormous.” Everyday you’ve got this weight – bills, homework, expectations, dinner plans, your next art project, what to blog – and the fear over a trivial thing like who you happen to love shouldn’t be something that you have to tote on top of everything else. I wish that I had told my mentor earlier, I wish that I hadn’t carried it around for so long, thinking that it mattered as much as it did or that it would somehow make me less of a person just because I wasn’t straight. I passed up so many golden opportunities to say something, and I didn’t; so the next time you feel like it’s a good time, the next time you’re safe and secure and you just know, tell them. Just let them hug you and tell you it’s okay because it’s worth it.

I hope this post has helped some people. Whether it has helped you in your coming out journey, or helped you to understand what your friends/family has gone through in theirs. Please feel free to comment with your stories.