SpaceManAndy’s Advice for Parched in Pigtown

Dear Spaceman,

I’ve heard lots of people complain that a certain beer brand makes them sick, or even certain kinds of alcohol. Now I’m not talking getting sick from overindulging, I mean like have 2 bud lights and they are allegedly sick for days. Or take one shot of vodka and they have stomach cramps. I have drank pretty much every brand/kind of liquor and beer and have never had any one affect me differently than another, so I have a hard time believing these folks aren’t just whining to get their preferred brand of adult beverage. What do you think, is the true debate less filling/tastes great or gives me explosive diarhhea/I don’t have to wear a diaper?

Parched in Pigtown

Dear Parched,

Yeah, those people bother me too. I hate whiny people who only complain to get what they want. I mean please. So a bee stung you. BFD. If you wanted a shot off your epi-pen, just ask like a grown up.

Seriously though, the human body is a strange strange thing, to say the least. I know I get migraines from red wine. It’s those damn sulfates. Hershey Kisses give my mother the hershey squirts (if ya know what I mean), but M&Ms don’t [Sorry Mom, your name isn’t on here. The ladies of the homeowners’ association will never know]. There’s just some ingredient that is in that specific chocolate that isn’t in others that makes her explode.

There are things in alcohol besides magic drunk-making juice. There are different things in different beverages, and even within different brands of the same beverage. You can’t help the way your body is going to react to things. That’s the biological fact.

Then there’s the psychological factor. Pretty much everyone has a story that goes something like this: The first time I got drunk it was on XXXXX and now I can’t drink it anymore. Join me, if you will, on a walk down memory lane (Cue flashback doodloo doodloo doodloo)

It was the early 2000s. A young spaceman was at a party where there were no parental chaperones and ::looks around:: there was booze. Now, grown up, near-professional drinker Andy knows better than to let teenage girls shop for booze, but young Andy did not.

I don’t know if you’ve ever had UV Blue, but it’s blue raspberry vodka. Like an alcoholic Airhead, which sounds pretty damn awesome, but it isn’t really. Now, have you ever had a shot of straight Triple Sec? How about Baccardi Melon? How about UV Blue, Triple Sec, and Baccardi Melon mixed together… all night long. I could describe the color my vomit was that night, but I don’t want you to ralph all over your keyboard.

Back to present (doodloo doodloo doodloo)

I can no longer drink fruit flavored liquor. At all. Period. I’ve tried. It always ends colorfully. That’s OK though, I’m a man, and I drink man-drinks now. I really don’t need fruit flavored liquors.

Anyway, we can’t control how our bodies will react to things; whether it is a legitimate allergy or traumatic event your gag reflex will never forget. Be respectful when someone says they don’t drink something specific. You may end up being spewed upon.

That being said, if your finicky friend is at YOUR party complaining about YOUR booze selection, they should have brought their own. If they are that sensitive to certain alcohols, they would have planned ahead. At this point you are well within your rights to tell them to nut up or shut up, all Zombieland style. Or in this case, drink what I have provided for you, or stay sober.

So no, Parched, I don’t think these people are always just whining to get their preferred brand of adult beverage. My advice to you is to be a little more tolerant.

I don’t know, I guess that could work. Maybe?

SpaceManAndy

If you have a burning sensation when you pee, see a doctor. If you have a burning question you need answered, email me at advice@citythatbreeds.com