Earlier this morning I received an email from the Greater Baltimore Cultural Alliance, who are currently soliciting folks to come up with ideas for next year’s bicentennial of the War of 1812, in which the British received a most unholy dick kicking by us colonials, a naval bombardment repelled via Fort McHenry and the birth of our national anthem, and some other stuff I think. And no doubt there will be ideas floated past the committee that include parades, fireworks, a fife band, blahbiddiblah, but that is *so boring*. It’s 2012, people! We need something slick, sexy, New Millennium, social media synergistically Web 3.0 with lateral marketing mobility!
And thusly I propose: A full scale reenactment of the bombardment of Fort McHenry with REAL CANNONS, followed by a land invasion with REAL MUSKETS. The British ships would be manned by convicted criminals, who will simply be told “You wanna get out of jail? Win this war.” Given that they more than likely have no idea what the War of 1812 was, much less its outcome, I’m sure the criminal army would be more than eager to don powdered dandy wigs, learn to crew on an 18th century war vessel, and get blown to holy hell for our entertainment. The British Navy would be led by celebrity British Guy Jason Statham, in a sort of Death Race scenario in which he plays the role of wrongfully convicted criminal Mason Gatham, forced to reenact the War of 1812 with other convicted criminals and real weaponry.
I guess the hardest part would be acquiring the ships, since there’s no shortage of convicted criminals in Baltimore, so perhaps we could repurpose a fleet of those Urban Pirate boats? Also we need to get the Constellation back out there, I mean it’s been a really long time since that thing saw any action – but we need a Celebrity Captain to man that ship, maybe David Hasselhoff? He’s from Glen Burnie after all, and he’s *all about* war reenactments I hear.
Once the reenactment comes to a close, with Celebrity British Guy Jason Statham angrily shaking his fist at Baltimore while his ship slowly slips into the drink, we could have like a totally sweet rave at Fort McHenry complete with the requisite fireworks, punch, and disgraced former mayor Sheila Dixon as DJ (DJ Dixon, or DJ Sheila D) on the 1’s and 2’s, the wheels of steel if you will. David Hasselhoff will not be invited. Then once everyone is all tuckered out from dancing and too much punch, all will be invited to camp out on the grass in the middle of the fort for Baltimore’s biggest and most historic slumber party / pillow fight.
Sounds pretty fun, right?
Will David Hasselhoff be there?
Ah, I suppose I should’ve read to the bottom before asking that.
Just kidding. I did read to the bottom. This was an attempt at comedy via the comments section.
It failed.
mmmmmkay?
YESYESYES
And don’t forget to give Statham the line “rum, sodomy and the lash.” I’ve always wanted to hear him say that.
I’d like to hear him say that too. But probably for different reasons than you. I think.