Primer: Angry Mike, a former Pigtown resident, purchased a “rehabbed” house from a man who, as it turns out, is something of a slumlord and didn’t exactly perform a wonderful job fixing the house. It was riddled with termites unbeknownst to the resident, among other things. A lawsuit ensued (see what I did there) and 1200 years later came to a close. This is Angry Mike’s take on the whole debacle.
Hopefully few to none of you have been financially/physically wronged, and needed to take that sumbitch to court. Let me tell you it is a maelstrom of frustration and horseshit which is nothing short of biblical. I’ve never been to small claims court, but if hours of studying Judges Judy and Joe Brown is any indication of reality, it’s a veritable Caribbean vacation compared to actual lawyered up district court. Here’s why:
1. IT’S EXPENSIVE AS SHIT
I don’t know if you know any lawyers, but being on retainer basically means you pay them a bunch of money up front, and whenever they scratch their balls while pondering your case, you get a bill. I’m pretty sure i got billed for the time it took for my lawyer’s secretary to type up my invoice. There are other ways to hire a lawyer however, one of which is them getting a piece of your settlement. While potentially very costly, this seems like the best way to do it. There is incentive for the lawyer to sharpen his venomous talons, and sink them deep into the soft tissue of the Defendant’s wallet, instead of yours. If he’s getting a part of that juicy settlement check, he might actually get pissed and work some legal black magic when his time is wasted. Otherwise, it’s just more billable hours for him. Unfortunately, I would imagine, the “piece of the pie” payment method mostly attracts the more shysterly of the lawyer crop. But whatever, if I get paid, I don’t care if he spends the rest of his time reenacting the Holocaust with Peeps.
2. IT TAKES FOREVER
The courts are CLOGGED with retarded lawsuits far worse than mine. It doesn’t surprise me at all that filing suit and getting an actual court date are often months and months apart. However, it also means that if there’s the slightest change to your case, yours goes back to the bottom of the pile. My first court date was during a vacation, so I asked my lawyer to change it, and we got the next spot, which was 3 months later. God forbid that date not work for the Defendant, because then you’d postpone another three months. If I were suing due to some crippling financial hardship, and needed to get my settlement money ASAP (or at least find out if I was getting anything at all, so I could just scratch my name into a beam and end it already), I could be strung along forever. Not to mention all the stupid shit that can delay a suit’s progression, which brings me to my next point…
3. GODDAMMIT PEOPLE ARE STUPID
Being in a courtroom while other people’s cases are being heard is simultaneously hilarious and infuriating. If I had access to nuclear weapons, between traffic court and this, I would have pushed the button long ago and plunged this planet into an awesome wasteland where it was perfectly acceptable to throw a midget onto your shoulders and be considered for political office. (WHO RUNS BALTIMORE?) Anyway, one such example was a creditor suing someone for a delinquent debt. The defendant sent in some sort of form (I don’t remember exactly) that simply said “I don’t speak English” and didn’t even bother to show up. I highly doubt this guy had Diplomatic Immunity, but apparently this defense was ironclad as the judge simply slated the case to be rescheduled.
Another great strategy while being sued is to simply ignore everything. You got a letter requesting mediation to avoid court? Fuck it. Got certified mail saying you will be sued if you don’t answer this? Meh. Got served with a summons? Wipe your ass with it! The plaintiff will have to spend so much money filing tons of bullshit, they’ll just give up! The Defendant in my case didn’t show up to court either, luckily he didn’t know the “No Speaka” defense, and simply ignored the summons completely, which got me a bitchin’ summary judgement! Which means I win, right? Obviously, that’s why I’m writing this long-winded post about how shitty our legal system is, because everything worked out?! EXACTLY!
4. EVEN WHEN YOU WIN, YOU DON’T WIN
A summary judgement is like having a girlfriend on the internet; complete bullshit. Apparently all it takes to overturn is a “I didn’t understand the time change” letter from a lawyer. Needless to say, after another court date, mediation, and a settlement (which he decided wasn’t fair, and stopped paying) I eventually got a judgement in my favor, so I’m due some phat cash, right? Well, sort of. See even if you really win, and have a judgement in your favor, you still have to collect the money. Obviously, when you are dealing with a guy who just straight up ignores important legal communications, he will also ignore a legally binding court order. When this happens, you get to go to court AGAIN to find out where his assets are, so you can go to court AGAIN AGAIN to file intention to go to court to finally, maybe, get some money. What’s really fun is that the defendant can simply ignore that court date too! In response, the court schedules ANOTHER court date so he can explain why he didn’t go to the first court date. If he is able to spin a Scheherazade-esque tale to the courts, I’m assuming they will simply schedule another hearing and all that shit starts over again. I can’t even imagine what kind of wrenches get thrown in if an appeal were possible. Even government agencies use the “Yeah, you won, but fuck you anyways” thought process when paying judgements. Just look at Baltimore Housing Authority Director Paul Graziano, he’s supposed to pay lots of money to people in lead paint litigation, and he simply said: Nope!
Awesome, huh?
So in conclusion, REALLY think about whether it’s worth suing someone when you’ve been wronged. You’re probably not going to see whatever money you win for YEARS. Not to mention, what you win will probably be a fraction of what you originally sued for. If you are paying a lawyer, you will probably spend more than you stand to gain in legal fees. I know I have.
If the house was “riddled with termites,” wouldn’t that have shown up in the pre-purchase inspection? Or did Angry Mike waive the inspection?
angry mike did not waive the inspection, it was actually given a clean report. however in the 6 months after purchase, the builders shoddy work led to soaking wet wood throughout the rear half of the house (roof leak and substandard HVAC material), and led me to remove drywall, uncovering the damage. I believe the builder sprayed his own poison to conceal the active infestation for the inspection and potentially covered up the damage with drywall (they could have been chowing down under existing drywall, dunno). The contractor was surprised at the level of damage in the short time span. I believe the colony was not completely killed and all the delicious moist wood livened them right back up.
Well, that sucks.
that it does. hopefully it will all be over soon, but lesson learned.
This sounds familiar… oh yeah.
UPDATE CITY: So the guy did not show up AGAIN. There is now a warrant out for his arrest. i believe it’s served by the marshalls office? so i’m hoping that means it will be a bit more timely. If it were served by city/county cops, i’d probably have to go DOG the Bounty Hunter on his ass, and hose him down with bear mace, until the cops come.