SpaceManAndy’s Advice for Spelunked in Baltimore

Dear SpaceManAndy,
A few friends and I are planning on doing some urban exploring in a few
days. With that said, could you possibly give me some advice about breaking &
entering abandoned buildings,
running from the law & the proper way to stab a bum?

Thanks,
Spelunked in Baltimore
(not the urban dict. meaning)

Dear Spelunked,

Please read the following in the voice of the narrator from those old Goofy cartoons:

Urban Exploration, that time honored tradition of investigating and photographing those places that have been forgotten by time (but not crackheads). Urban Exploration can be fun and safe as long as you follow these simple dos and dont’s.

You can stop reading in the narrator’s voice now. I write this column, not that guy. Read it in my voice now. If you’ve never actually heard me speak, just use James Earl Jones’s voice.

Do you have a flashlight? Good! Is it a hefty flashlight? You’ll need a nice, big heavy flashlight. What’s that you say? Your phone has a flashlight app? Well, how much battery does that use up? I thought so. You’re going to need that phone in case of emergencies or crackheads. Said crackheads are also the reason you want some heft to your flashlight.

Now, the crackheads that inhabit these buildings you’ll be exploring will come in all shapes and sizes. They will also have various diseases. So, please, cover up to reduce risk of infection.

If you do encounter one of these crackheads, please leave them alone. They don’t want to hang out with you. They also don’t show up on film, kind of like vampires. There’s really no point in taking their picture. This is also a very sensitive point for them, and they will be sad when you remind them by taking their picture, then they cannot be held accountable for their actions.

In general, just don’t be stupid. If you’ve never seen a horror movie, let me list a few things that generally get people killed in abandoned buildings.

Don’t:

• go off by yourself
• investigate strange noises
• be with a group of teens
• tell ghost stories
• mock the locals
• have sex
• get drunk
• get high
• be the slutty one
• be black

Just don’t be a dumbass.

And however tempting it is, don’t call the phone numbers in the graffiti!

I don’t know, I guess that could work. Maybe?
–SpaceManAndy

P.S. – If you want to join in on the fun, we’re trying to get a regular group together for some urban exploration. Follow me @SpaceManAndy on Twitter for updates.