I would like to share with the world at large a profile in one of the lamest clubs I have personally ever been to, ever. And I’ve been to some LAME dance clubs in my time. Granted, this club is contained within an enormous all-inclusive resort and the expectations are somewhat low, but still. DAMN this place is lame.
Let’s start with the easiest and most immediate thing one would notice upon entering – the decor. Cheeseball posters of dead Hollywood stars, weird scribbles all over the wall, guitars, and an inflatable bobsled. Observe:
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And then, there’s the crowd. Highlights include a man in a cowboy hat who frequently pumps his crotch into the air.
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And finally, the music. Man oh man, this was some bad music. The DJ would literally play 35 seconds of a song, good or bad, and change songs via “remix” nonstop. You never heard an entire song, except for the godawful Cha Cha Slide. It is with great pleasure that I present video evidence of these things. The “Strike List” repeatedly mentioned in the 2nd video is the topic of our next Jamaica Tales chapter.
Godawful Remixes
The Cha Cha Strike
And yet, we couldn’t stop going to this club, night after night, and dancing like the bunch of fat, white tourists we were. Incredible stuff. And I didn’t even mention the totally awesome stage entertainment! All I have to say regarding the stage entertainment is this – “Keg with wings”
Freakin hilarious.
The Keg with Wings is comedy gold!!!
The stage was consistently comedy gold pretty much every day – at one point it was decorated like a nuclear fallout shelter – with big giant radiation symbols and a bomb where the keg is – and the stage show was a bunch of people dancing around and talking about who the best singer in the world is! I couldn’t make this shit up!
This is exactly why I’ve never taken a trip to Jamaica. It’s one of the most culturally/musically important locales of the last century (the birthplace of ska, reggae, dub, rocksteady, DJs, and rap) and I can’t bring myself to experience it via one of those dreadfully cheesy all-inclusive resorts where you never leave the place or see ANY of the actual country. By the same token, crime in Kingston is a major problem, so i’m hesitant to hop the REAL clubs downtown. How oh how can a gringo and his wife see the real Jamaica without risking life and wallet?
Too true. Our experience with non-resort Jamaica was pretty limited, and I’m very very eager to see more of it. The stark difference between resort and non-resort was just …shocking. The resort had its purpose and place for its cheeseball “No worries Mon!” atmosphere but it was pretty culturally absent. Next time I go (next year) will have a very different approach for me personally.
My brother has a blog similar to yours but it is written in Spanish. I like yours better to be honest.