It has been entirely too long since the previous installment in our ongoing Jamaica Tales saga, and this last chapter is what I like to refer to as “a doozy.” A “barnburner,” if you will. A tale of epic horror, rivaled only by some sort of horror movie that has yet to be created by man or beast. Enjoy!
(continue reading…)

Continuing and expanding from our last tale about Jamaica – I would like to introduce you all to Kenisha, our batshit crazy tour guide while on our snorkeling expedition. Kenisha first made herself known to me by shouting “Hey Jesus! Hey Jesus!” numerous times while trying to get my attention for the snorkeling signup; I guess for whatever reason she thought I look like Jesus – which is utter crap, but I wasn’t really terribly interested in spending the time trying to tell her what my name actually was. At any rate, after having signed up for our trip she tried to convince some of the girls we were with to come to her house the following day (off resort, god only knows where) to get their hair braided, which to me sounded like a hilarious opportunity to get some photos of the “real” Jamaica – unfortunately to everyone else it sounded like a hilarious opportunity to get robbed and probably kidnapped.

Anyhoodle, it wasn’t until we actually began our journey out into the bays of Jamaica that I realized just how crazy this person was.

Within what couldn’t have been more than 20 minutes and a drop of rum out to sea, she was screaming SCREAMING and jumping around the boat like a true crack head. She would literally just be sitting there, perfectly quiet for a little while, and burst into uncontrollable laughter followed by some unintelligible song like “ThIs IS tHe PaAArty bOOOAT!!” This went on for about an hour or more, until we finally reached Lobster Island, at which point she proceeded to smoke a bunch of weed (previously mentioned).

Fortunately for everyone, having smoked some pot made her a little sleepy and she took a few little naps. She was fairly quiet, sort of, except she would occasionally yell “HIII HIIII HIII!!! WAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!” for no apparent reason until one of the people we were with said “Girl, you’re gonna have to stop that coz you’re giving me a headache.” Regardless, we kept moving along prior to snorkeling (pictures forthcoming) and eventually arrived at probably the coolest thing in the world: a trampoline, in the middle of the water. And it wasn’t one of those cases where there were like sixty lifeguards yelling not to do flips or jump too high – we were basically there and free to break necks at will. And it was awesome. Kenisha did not disappoint in this instance, either.

Observe, as KK shows up at around 0:55 and gets all up in it. (And by it, I mean insanity)

Kenisha kept on keepin’ on, jumping around and booty dancing and hanging from things on the boat until eventually we arrived at our final destination, Rick’s Cafe, and she had to act like “professional” guide. Rick’s Cafe, where things took a turn for the…. legendary. Stay Tuned.

(you might as well read the other chapters, while you’re here)

Jamaica Tales Volume 1
Jamaica Tales Volume 2

I would like to share with the world at large a profile in one of the lamest clubs I have personally ever been to, ever. And I’ve been to some LAME dance clubs in my time. Granted, this club is contained within an enormous all-inclusive resort and the expectations are somewhat low, but still. DAMN this place is lame.

Let’s start with the easiest and most immediate thing one would notice upon entering – the decor. Cheeseball posters of dead Hollywood stars, weird scribbles all over the wall, guitars, and an inflatable bobsled. Observe:

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And then, there’s the crowd. Highlights include a man in a cowboy hat who frequently pumps his crotch into the air.

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And finally, the music. Man oh man, this was some bad music. The DJ would literally play 35 seconds of a song, good or bad, and change songs via “remix” nonstop. You never heard an entire song, except for the godawful Cha Cha Slide. It is with great pleasure that I present video evidence of these things. The “Strike List” repeatedly mentioned in the 2nd video is the topic of our next Jamaica Tales chapter.

Godawful Remixes

The Cha Cha Strike

And yet, we couldn’t stop going to this club, night after night, and dancing like the bunch of fat, white tourists we were. Incredible stuff. And I didn’t even mention the totally awesome stage entertainment! All I have to say regarding the stage entertainment is this – “Keg with wings”

Yup, professional entertainers right here.

(you might as well read the other chapters, while you’re here)

Jamaica Tales Volume 2
Jamaica Tales Volume 3

On one particular day whilst in Jamaica, a group of us decided to go snorkeling – a boat trip that would take us from Lucea to Negril, with one stop for swimming around, another to a place simply referred to as “Lobster Island,” for no other reason than the fact that there’s a guy there who catches lobsters and cooks them on a fire, right there in front of you.

Upon arriving at lobster island, wading through a shallow coral area to get to the beach, it’s pretty much all right there in one view: a lady with a minuscule shop set up under a lean-to, and a fire pit with a dozen or so Jamaicans, all stoned out of there mind. The ‘entrance’ is decorated with some sort of masthead figure with a baseball cap (I think the Pirates) on.

There’s really not much else to see, with the exception of piles of trash and a lot of marijuana. At one point our tour guide (who I will describe at length in another story) offered me a huge joint, which I refused – mostly because I’d already been drinking out in the sun, with no food or anything else to keep me from keeling over if pot were to get involved. Nevertheless, about three minutes later I turned around to see the entire crew of our boat lighting up with three of the people traveling with us. Oh great! Our captain is stoned! It’s a fuckin’ party!!!

Having kicked back a few Red Stripes purchased from the micro-shop lady, it was time to enjoy some totally rad lobster, cooked right on the spot by a guy with a very large machete. Which, unfortunately, there were only two of and the other people we were traveling with ate in about 0.04 seconds. Still, watching the whole process was pretty cool. AND I HAVE PROOF – CHECK IT OUT!

Here you can observe the deliciousness in action:

Oh and here’s what the beach on lobster island looks like:

Once everyone had enough, we were off for some snorkeling, trampolines and cliff diving. All of which, needless to say, comprise another story altogether (and it’s quite a story). Stay tuned!

(you might as well read the other chapters, while you’re here)

Jamaica Tales Volume 1
Jamaica Tales Volume 3

(many many more to come)