They won't look like this.

It came to my attention last Friday via Pork Magazine (wait what?) that Burger King will begin testing the addition of pork short ribs to their menu in several key markets. Dubbed “Fire-Grilled Ribs,” and a long term plan to offer the ribs in up to 3,500 of its locations in the U.S., it remains clear that Burger King wants us to all die a little sooner.

The more fascinating aspect of these upcoming horrors of fast food is the fact that they will be bone-in; whereas the slightly less horrifying (but no less disgusting) McRib contains 100% less bones, the vision of a Burger King littered with rib bones left behind by ignorant customers is kind of – make that really – disgusting. And I guess functionally the bone litter is no different than any fried chicken joint, but quite frankly most of those places are disgusting out loud as well. So Rat’s Off To Ya, Burger King!! Can’t wait to not try this product!

Alright Quiznos, you’re on the shit list. The last time I ate a sub at one of your franchises, it was a pile of poo poo pee pee, these new Torpedo sandwiches are laughable, and now THIS?!?

Hell, Quiznos ads used to be sort of catchy (if not creepy) – little mice in outfits singing ridiculous songs and what not – now we’re down to a suggestively sexual toaster oven and a reference to a scat-eating video popularized by the internet?

I mean this video isn’t even funny or clever OR sexy, it’s literally just two girls “erotically” eating a Toasty Torpedo and making a mess of it. It does not in any way shape or form make me want to eat one of those stupid sandwiches. With pewp like this, it’s no wonder Subway is slaughtering Quizno’s in the franchise wars.

Here, I hope you like crap (slightly NSFW):
QUIIIZZZZNNOOOOOOOOSS!!!

I mean, I enjoy Quiznos subs and all, despite the fact that they make it …difficult to find their nutrition information (in that, there is no comprehensive list of their data anywhere except via 3rd party sites) and their commercials have been historically ssstupid, but their newest venture has the one-two punch of being pretty lame and sounding super lame.

Duuuumb

Yup, you too can be one of the first to try a Toasty…. Torpedo. Torpedo. Coz like, a sub is too big, you know? And torpedoes are weapons shot out of subs, right? So this is like the weaponized version of a sandwich that got shot out of a larger mother sandwich. AWESOME.

Soak it in folks, this is the future of food. Slim, sleek bread (smaller size) and over a foot long (with less meat)! For only $4 – which by my count is a full dollar less than those jokers over at Subway who keep trying that $5 footlong gimmick – I mean, what a fad, am I right? Truly new and innovative – and ciabatta bread is soooooo fancy! I hear they even had it at Wendy’s at some point!

TORPEDO.

UPDATE!!! (2009-04-08) – Due to something of a “Search Engine Demand,” I have decided to put together the nutrition information for all of Quizno’s Toasty Torpedos and assemble it into a handy .pdf format – enjoy!!

(I would recommend avoiding the Big Kahuna Tuna sandwich)

(download here)

I don’t really know why this exists, but apparently Hardee’s has decided to go all Metalokalypse in their efforts to give us coupons for hamburgers. But the coupon is pretty awesome, 2 for 1 burger of any kind. You even get to pick a Burger Slayer name, mine is Babby Killer the Burger Barbarian.

EDIT: Jesus wept, I just listened to the audio at home since it was off at work, and it’s probably one of the funniest things around. The theme song is hysterical… for like the first minute. After that it’s an audio abortion.

http://www.burgerslayer.com