As some of you remember, a while back I did a column called Politically Potent Potables for Sober and Sad Sarah in which I proposed some cocktails to get her through the current political climate (at the time). GUESS WHAT! It’s a different time now, and different people are politically relevant. So, without further ado, here are some more!
1) The Newt Gingrich
aka: A shot of whiskey, with a tequila chaser, with a rum chaser chaser
Here’s the tricky part about the Newt, you have to begin each shot before the last one is finished. Hey, I don’t make the rules. Bonus points for telling other bar patrons what they can and cannot drink. Imbibing alcohol is sacred, after all.
2) The Rick Santorumy
aka: The Antidote
I’m going to skip the obvious joke here and try to be a little original. The Santorum is the antidote. YOU’VE BEEN POISONED! OH NOES! But not to worry. Good old Rick has informed you that there is an antidote for just $900! What? You don’t have $900? But iPads are $900… Well, I guess because luxury items exist, you’re expected to come up with the money for a life-saving treatment yourself. After all, it’s not Rick’s job to save your life. Oh well.
3) The Mitt Romney
aka: Every drink in the bar (though he’ll just have cranberry juice, cause, you know, Mormon)
Romney’s drink is every drink in the bar, because he owns the bar. He actually owns the chain of bars, along with the chain of hotels that house the bars and the mega corporation (which is a person) that owns the hotels. But don’t worry. He still understands the plight of the average man. That’s why drinks are only $570 or 13.9% of your AGI (whichever is lower). That’s what drinks cost, right? AND at his bars, you don’t have to worry about getting too drunk to drive home, because on some major holidays in some major cities there are a limited number of free tipsy taxis. So, no one has to worry. Now THAT’S a safety net!
4) The Ron Paul
aka: Prune Juice
Because he is just so fucking old! Also, he wants to flush out our system. Yeah, I’m ending on a poop joke.