RELATIONSHIPS AND JEANS: Signs of Wear and 4 Things Guys Say That Signal Your Relationship Downfall.

Relationships are like a pair of jeans. Every girl knows that in the wardrobe of life, finding that perfect pair of denim is difficult. The search can be long, frustrating, and draining. I know, as I made the mistake of going along with a female to the mall once to find a pair, and let’s just say accompanying Hobbits on their Journey to Mordor would have been an easier trip. After 6 hours of her going back and forth, I even threw myself in front of the fitting room entrance and exclaimed “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!”

I understand your relationship struggle ladies. You know the right one is out there hanging on a rack somewhere, or maybe the jeans meant for you is a used pair, currently worn by someone else, waiting to be returned to the store for resale. In the meantime, you continue to shop. Then when you least expect it, a low-cut pair of blue jeans with bulging buttons chilling with a group of tan khakis catches your eyes, and damn, they look hot.

You want to just snatch them right up, and take them home. However, you remember the nasty rash you got last time you bought home a pair without checking the material first, so you want to be more responsible this time and test them out before you commit.

You decide try them out first, and so you look for a place to be alone, like a 4X5 secluded room with a bench and a 2-way mirror. Luckily, this store has 8 of these rooms in the back, and they don’t even charge by the hour, although you spot a sign that says “Limit 3” and you conclude that this establishment is respectable and does not allow orgies.

Once alone, things move fast as you get naked from the waist down, and let them slide right on you. They caress your thighs gently, grab your butt firmly, and they hug your Bermuda Triangle so snugly making you feel so sexy that you cannot wait to have submarines enter and get lost in it. You quickly claim them as yours, because no way are you leaving this pair out there for some other hooker to pick up. It’s been too long and you deserve this!

Your friends approve of their looks, and comment on how happy you look with them on. Your parents, who are always critical of the clothes you wear, actually think these jeans complement you nicely. Things go great for a while, but eventually, signs of wear begin to show which you overlook. Your best friend becomes worried when she observes several tears forming and tells you to be cautious, but you tell her that she is just jealous because she wishes she had a pair like yours. Your mom notices stains, and raises concern, but you explode telling her that this is your life! You will wear what you want to wear!

Soon, everyone is urging you to get rid of this one, and that you are better off with a new pair. You say you love them too much, even though you do acknowledge that lately they have been feeling a bit weird, and at times, have given you extreme discomfort. Then just as everyone had predicted except you, the pressure and stress becomes too much for the inseams, and the fabric rips horribly, exposing you completely, leaving you shocked, humiliated, and hurt. The jeans are no more.

Thus begins your downward spiral. You start consuming forties of Malt Liquor at a rate that Crip members would be proud of. You soon are mall hopping, going from store to store, and taking home jeans every night, not even caring where the zippers have been. Rock bottom hits late one night as you are swerving home listening to Dr. Drew on the radio. He is in the middle of advising some caller not to allow her boyfriend to Dirty Sanchez her when you decide to call into Loveline.

You put down your forty, and dial in as your car is screeching along the guardrails. Dr. Drew asks what your question is, and you scream “ALL JEANS SUCK!! I ALWAYS END UP WITH THE WORST PAIR THAT DOESN’T FIT ME!!” With one hand on your cell, you reach for a joint with the other, and then BOOM!

You wake up from your mini coma with an “END OF ROAD” street sign smashed through your windshield and dangling against your head. Jussss perfect. You curse the Irony Gods as you lay there staring at the sign. Waiting for the fire department to cut the roof off your car, you reflect back and finally realize those pair of jeans were probably never meant for you, and that you wish you hadn’t wasted so much time.

Many relationships are starting to rip at the inseams, but the fact is when you are “in love”, you live in a vacuum where you have tunnel vision where you overlook those signs of wear that are clearly visible to others. Have no fear, because the Relationship Dr. Tam is here. Eat my balls Dr. Drew.

I will divulge 4 things that guys say that should make your Spidey Sense tingle, that may indicate that your Relationship Rollercoaster is about to take that final plunge downward, and the ride is nearly over. These sayings are the winds of warning that should not be brushed off as a passing breeze where you fix a few things, and all is back to normal. No ma’am, these are gale force gusts that have the potential to tear shit up.

“She’s just a friend”

Unless your man is wailing an 80’s hip hop tune by a fat rapper, then something smells rotten in the state of Denmark. Get out the towel, because here is the jizz of it. The #1 way that guys get caught cheating is not due to the different shade of lipstick you find on his scrotum, but by our stupid mouths where we self-sabotage ourselves with our words.

Guys will throat punch small children to avoid any conversations where they have to continuously lie. When we speak the truth, we sound like the Greek Chorus, where our words pour our eloquently to enlighten you with information. When we are lying, we sound like Gary Busey, where nothing we say makes any damn sense.

If he is not thrusting his dipstick in that cherry sugar, he will say “Oh Sally? She is the receptionist at work. She has an overbite, smells like Herbal Essence, and has a camel toe”. Now, if he brushes off your inquiry with a dismissing “Oh, her? Yea, she’s just a friend”, then he is as guilty as a black man with white lips after a powdered donut has gone missing from the break room.

By providing a nonchalant short answer of “she’s just a friend”, he is hoping to give you the impression that Sally is insignificant, that he doesn’t really know her, and hence there will be no cross examination where he can verbally stumble trying to cover up the fact that he is banging Sally like a gavel. Just remember this; when your man tells you little, he is really telling you a lot. Sophocles ain’t the only person to philosophize!

“Why don’t you hang out with your friends more?”

This is the classic example of the ‘Guys need space; Girl invades space’ mentality. There is a reason every major study on the keys to a LONG, HAPPY marriage includes the answer “Space”. No, not the final frontier, but space as in “Baby, I need you to take a sip of the ‘Leave-Me-Dafuq-Alone’ beverage every once in a while”.

Some of you girls need more than a sip, but an entire case of the beverage. Stop smothering him like an enchilada! He spends all his time with you, and you text him nonstop. He introduces you to some of his friends, and by osmosis, you have permeated the wall of his entire social life, leaching on to everything around him, including his friends.

If he thinks you have no life outside of the relationship, and every social outing involves you being present, he will get sick of you. He WANTS to tell you that you linger around him like a fart that never dissipates, but he cannot without it leading into a 17 hour argument. Instead, he will “suggest” that you should go out with your friends more just so he has a break from that flatulent aroma of yours.

“You should be more like So and So”

Sorry viewer, but the TV series that was your relationship has been canceled. There may be some remaining episodes left, but his Network is not renewing you for another season. One thing he should never do is compare his significant other to someone else.

Sure, it may sound like he is only observing a specific trait of yours such as “Why can’t you be more OUTGOING like Julie?” This may sound harmless, but it is just about as harmless as OJ knocking on your door wearing a pair of Isotoners. What he is doing is belittling you, by camouflaging a criticism as an innocent suggestion.

For example, let’s say you both are heated exchange because you refuse to stick your finger up his butt, and instead of him saying “Why aren’t you more open minded?” he instead says “Why aren’t you more LIKE JULIE and not be so judgmental?” Same question phrased differently. In the former, he is displaying a willingness to communicate, seeking to understand you, while with the latter, it is him making a STATEMENT of the character flaw he believes you have, REGARDLESS of what you think. And by bringing in another person as his barometer of acceptance of a trait of yours, he purposely intended to hurt you. Not good!

“Maybe we should just break up then?”

The Thomas Theorem states that “If men define situations as real, then they are real in their consequence.” In other words, if he has enough doubt in his mind to signify that the relationship is over to suggest it, then his behavior will respond as though that perception is reality. Whutchoo talkin’bout Willis? Maybe you will recognize the Thomas Theorem’s more familiar incarnation; The “Self-Full-Filling Prophecy”.

No other words spoken by your man will ever foreshadow the impending doom than this rhetorical question. What if he is simply bluffing, you say? After all, in the heat of an argument, people will say anything to “test” their mate. The last heated exchange I had with a girl culminated in me shouting “Oh yea?!! How about I urinate on YOUR leg in the shower and see how YOU like it?”

The key to determine if it’s a bluff, or a statement, lies in his facial contortion. When these words are shouted out as a statement, they are usually delivered by a severely madcap, hyper, and downright crazy looking face. This usually comes about when he gets in a HUGE fight with you, where domestic animals go scurrying under the couch, packages of chicken ramen go flying, innocent furniture gets kicked, and where arms go flapping wildly like he is Krumping. What results is his face becoming more contorted than a 4 foot Asian Cirque de Soleil performer.

It is at this moment, when he is highly emotional, when bearings are lost, that deep feelings emerge. If the argument reaches a climax where his emotions are completely exasperated, and his face melds into a ridiculously crazy caricature of Nicholas Cage and he spews out “Maybe we are better off apart??!”, then you need to take 10 steps backward, exit the premises, go to Redbox, and rent ‘Eat, Pray, Love’, because you got some relationship recovery to undergo.

We all have worn jeans to the point they do not look right on us, and we all have continued to stay in relationships that deep down we know doesn’t “fit” us. You continue to sew up the rips and tears, because you have invested so much thread already. Nothing is wrong with being hopeful, but there is also truth in the term ‘lost cause’.

You do not want to wake up one day, look over at that crumpled up pair of denim lying next to you, where every edge is frayed, creases everywhere, faded to the point that you don’t even recognize them anymore, and you finally say those 3 magical words: “What the f#ck?”

For those of you that have found your favorite pair, which you have not outgrown yet, and which continues to complement you completely til this day, I salute you. Hang that muthaf#cka in the front of your closet and make sure you polish his buttons often. The rest of you who are currently wearing a raggedy pair, then it’s not my place to tell you to drop them off at the Goodwill. You have family and friends to do that.

There is no perfect pair of denim ladies. The pair you see on TV will never fit you. Don’t lower your standards; demand good material, but also don’t be a snob and only shop at Neiman Marcus. I hear those jeans may satisfy you for just one outing, then they split the next morning. Focus more on the comfort of the fabric instead of buying the hot brand names.

In the end, all you can hope for is to own a pair that makes you comfortable, because ultimately, you want those jeans to make you feel good. How do you know if you have the right fit in that dude you are with now? You don’t. All you can do is pay attention to those signs of wear, stay away from the stores, and under no circumstances do you lend your jeans to another girl. And lastly, and this may be the most important piece of advice I can give:

If there should ever be a time when those jeans just don’t do it for you anymore, or any other pair for that matter, then you need to follow your heart no matter what anyone thinks, and go to the store…… and buy a dress. There ain’t nuttin’ wrong with that! In fact, many states have allowed women to buy dresses now!

Until Next time,
Wham Bam Thank You Tam

[Disclosure: Dr. Wham Bam TY Tam is not really a Board Certified Physician, although he has done extensive research observing women in their natural habitat.]