Dear SpaceManAndy,
I got out of a 6 year relationship about 8 months ago and have been enjoying getting back into the dating field. My problem is that one of the gentlemen I am seeing has been seeming like he’d like to get more serious than I am ready for. We haven’t discussed exclusivity and should it come up I will of course let him know that it’s not something I’m ready for yet. My question though is, is there a point at which exclusivity is assumed even without it being brought up specifically and discussed?
Sincerely,
Back in the Game
Dear Back in the Game,
Until you actually say to someone “Hey, I don’t want us to bang other people.” you can’t assume that they won’t. As human beings, we like sex, a lot. It’s genetically programmed into us that sex feels fucking amazing. Most of us also like variety. Put the two together and, well, you see where I’m going with this (if you don’t, I’m saying that humans like to do more than one person sometimes). It’s 2013. Ideas of what a relationship is are muddier than ever, and not one of us has the authority to say which ideas are right. Once upon a time, you wear a guy’s Letterman jacket and it’s forever! How many TV episodes have comically revolved around a strange marriage custom?
If you’re seeing someone and it’s been going on for 3 months and you see each other 4 times a week, it’s probably safe to assume you’re exclusive. But do you see how I said “probably?” You have no idea know what (or whom) your fella or lady friend is doing the other 3 nights of the week. On the flip side, if you have a regular booty call, you can’t assume they don’t want to be exclusive. I know lots of people who want safe sex without a relationship, so they just pick one good fuck buddy who they see exclusively.
My point is this, if you want to have sex like a grown up, you have to talk about it like a fucking grown up. So many relationships, be they casually dating, friends with benefits, or a “real relationship,” come to a disastrous end because the people never made their expectations clear. If you never have a talk about who else you’re knocking boots with, you forfeit the right to get mad when the person you’re seeing does something you never told them you didn’t want them to do. Also, if you can’t talk about something as simple as whether or not you want your sex-friend to sex other people, how are you going to talk about being up your weird stuff?.
I don’t know, I guess that could work. Maybe?
SpaceManAndy