Dear SpaceMan,
We are Joe and Rob, are a young couple looking to get a place together. Rob already has a roommate, we’ll call him Drew. Drew and Joe get along famously. We would have a lot more flexibility in the type of housing and our price range if we consider having Drew go in on the next house with us. Our reasons for wanting to live together are as much about being practical (location, optimizing two busy schedules, finances) as they are romantic, but we’re wondering whether having Rob’s roommate along might create a dynamic that wasn’t healthy for him or for us, should conflict arise. What points should we discuss with all parties to make sure we reach a good, fair decision?
Sincerely,
Is Three Really Company?
Dear Joe and Rob,
This is a tricky situation. I’ve been on both ends this situation, both as a member of the couple, and as someone who has lived with a couple. It isn’t easy, but I believe it is possible. There are some very important things that you have to keep in mind here. One of the most important is that at some point, you two are probably going to want to live together on your own. At that point, what’s going to happen? You need to decide on an endgame exit strategy before you move forward. Will you kick him out when you’re ready to live alone? How will you bring this up at the time without being insulting. There is no easy way to say “We don’t want you to live here with us anymore.”
Will you two leave? If you do, you will be leaving him in the difficult position of having to fill your positions. Chances are, you tow will be sharing a bedroom. Can Drew find someone who can pay 2/3 of the rent for one bedroom? Or will he be okay going from 1/3 of the rent to half the rent? I think the best thing to do, if you decide to all live under the same roof is to decide this before hand. Also, set up an end date to avoid the “It’s time we stopped living together” talk. Unfortunately this will make things even more awkward if you want to get out early, but like I said, this is a tricky situation.
Now, if you have all discussed it and decide that yes, you do want to live together and have all agreed on a painless exit strategy, you must then tackle the difficulties of sharing the space. Are you ready for a live-in third wheel? Is he ready to be a constant third wheel? I don’t think you guys would do it intentionally, but it will happen. When you go home, there should be a level of comfort. Being a third wheel is almost always uncomfortable.
There is an inherent inequity when it’s a couple and one other person. Assuming you two are a united front, you will always outvote Drew. This will happen with little things like what to have on TV and with big things like what the thermostat should be kept at. Are you three equal partners or is it your house and Drew rents a room? Things are easier when it is 2 people living in a space. It’s 50-50. When there are 3 people, you each get 1/3 of a say, but most of the time it will probably be more like you two get 2/3 of a say and he gets 1/3. That will suck for him. On nights when you two would like the living room for romantic activities, he may feel kicked out of his own house. On nights where he may want it, you two will feel coupped up in your room.
And what about when you two fight. Don’t pretend you never fight. Do you really want someone there all the time for that? You know what’s super uncomfortable? Living with a couple that is fighting and are both clearly mad. You just gotta sit there. You know you can’t really side with either person because you live with both, and in living with the couple, it’s very hard to totally stay out of it.
In conclusion, I don’t think it is a very good idea. You are a grown-up (I hope since you are going to live with your significant other) and you can make your own decisions. But, please take into account the issues I have brought up. Think seriously about them. Don’t dismiss them as “Oh, well we never fight” or “But we’ve been friends for years.” If you can honestly look at all the pros and cons and you decide it is right for you, then go for it, but know, you have a difficult road ahead.
I don’t know, I guess that could work, maybe?
-SpaceManAndy