We apologize for the delay of the Best of Craigslist this week. The holidays caught up to us, but Craigslist supplied some promising gems in the meantime. We’re back, diligently scouring Craigslist for your amusement. Enjoy!
Missed Connections
You know that unsettling guy from the bar you were avoiding on Friday night, or how about that girl that won’t leave you alone at the gym? Here is where you’ll find them, in their tragic, creepy entirety.
“ANGIE – I STILL LOVE YOU”
Date Posted: December 23, 2012
Sex: Male (for F)
Age: n/a
Message: YES. It’s been almost 2 whole years since we last spoke.
And I still don’t regret telling you the truth even though it means you will probably never allow me to explain.
What I do regret is never telling you just how much I love you.
When we made love that afternoon it wasn’t the intercourse that made me happy (IT WAS NICE!)
No. It was holding you in my arms, lying there next to each other.
I really felt that we were both saying without using words just how much it all meant.
Well. I am sorry for not saying it, but please remember, even if I never hear from you again……..
I DO LOVE YOU ANGIE! AND I ALWAYS WILL!
G”
Questions Raised: You give a slight nod to your brief tryst, in a demeaning way. No wonder she hasn’t spoken to you. You say “IT WAS NICE!” the way people tell me “You didn’t look THAT MUCH like a boy in fourth grade!” It was probably a pretty blase encounter for all parties involved. She wasn’t using words, because she had none other than, “Whoops.” Let it go, move on!
“District Court December 17”
Date Posted: December 19, 2012
Sex: Female (for M)
Age: 37
Message: “You were young African American Attorney…I think for the defense?? I was there for my case which was over in less than 5 mins. Anyway I should have asked you for your card in case I need legal advice in the future. Lol! I know this is a long shot but what the hell… “
Questions Raised: There’s something about the combination of their being an attorney and your being at the courthouse for “your case” that makes me think you’re not a lawyer yourself. I worry about the future of someone who isn’t particularly adherent to the law with a someone whose job is to KNOW the law. You’re optimistic and I like that, but you also may be a little delusional. You don’t provide nearly enough details for your Prospective Prince of Legalese to identify you and sweep you off your feet. Try again!
Free
Because where else in the world can you find discarded gems, free of cost? Even Village Thrift charges you a minuscule amount to cover the cost of their threadbare upkeep.
“4 Poly tarps”
Date: December 22, 2012
Message: “4 poly tarps
6 x 8”
Questions, Comments, Concerns: Great for hiding bodies! Maybe you want to patch up a water main with these bad boys. Cozy up a vacant rowhouse. Your imagination is the limit!
“Free Dan Brown Books”
Date: December 26, 2012
Message: “The Lost Symbol and The Da Vinci Code, email to arrange for pick up.”
Questions, Comments, Concerns: Proof that you can’t even give these literary gems away.
“Free Manger Pieces (Dundalk)”
Date: December 25, 2012
Message: “Free manger items. Are you missing a piece of your manger. Will come and pick it up for free”
Questions, Comments, Concerns: This is wonderful if you’re one of those people that doesn’t put your Christ Child in your nativity scene until Christmas morning, and you awake to discover you lost him, or threw him out in your Christmas Tchotchke Purging of January 2012. No worries! Just drive on over to Dundalk (because where else would you find spare nativity scene pieces?) and pick up a New Christ today! Christmas is the new Easter!
Jobs
If money is tight and you’re willing to lower your employment standards. Welcome to Craigslist Jobs (ETC).
“Birth Control Experimental Drug Trial”
Date: December 19, 2012
Message: “A study testing an experimental birth control is currently recruiting potential participants. Learn more about getting this method of experimental birth control with additional study?related gynecological care for up to a year.
Requirements
– Must be healthy women between 18-35 years of age
– Must be sexually active in a monogamous relationship
Eligible participants will receive study birth control gel and study?related medical exams at no cost and will receive compensation for their time and travel.”
Questions, Comments, Concerns: What happens if you get knocked up on this drug? Or become sterile? What if you think you’re in a monogamous relationship, but you’re not? Participants receive a “birth control gel,” which makes me think of those PowerBar Energy Squeeze packs, and I just can’t get behind the idea that would do its job. But hey, if you want to rock some sketchy gel and maybe get a surprise Green-Apple baby, who am I to stop you? Experimental drug cash is still cash.