It’s 2013, time for new Baltimore neighborhood ideas/nicknames

You guys, it’s the future. The present is now. For too long, Baltimoreans have suffered without totes rad nicknames and/or ideas/draws for the 15 or so liveable neighborhoods in our city and I’m sick and tired of the litany of unimaginative abbreviations enjoyed by Federal Hill; Fed Hill, Fed, Fed’s, The Hill, Federal Thrill,

Bro you goin out in Fed tonight? C&R bro, aces

I love Fed Hill! So many boutiques! Meehahahaha I just love shoes! Afters is my fave!

IT’S ALWAYS A THRILL IN THE HILL KNOWN AS FEDERAL HILL OR SHOULD I SAY THRILL EHEHEHEHEHEHEHEH

jesus christ shut the fuck up already.

Be that as it may, it’s time to zazz up some of the other neighborhoods that typically wind up on the list of neighborhoods when someone shows up on /r/baltimore and asks “Hey /r/baltimore! I’m moving to Baltimore! Where should I live in Baltimore!” for the 12,453th time, since we’re not here to encourage people to even try to improve the other 170+ ‘hoods that aren’t within walking distance of a Gastropub or Gourmet Pizza establishment.

Mount Vernon

As Mount Vernon is one of the oldest, classiest and most cultured neighborhoods in our city – aside from being “the Gayborhood” (lolol) – I propose introducing a monocle sporting chap who walks around the area classing up the place even further whose name will be – wait for it – Mr. Verns. Or possibly Monty Verns. Actually Monty makes a lot more sense. Monty would make appearances at the various drinkeries and establishments, distributing monocles to everyone present until such time as every who shows up at First Thursdays at Monty Vernon Park will be chortling and guffawing with their monocles and sudden mustaches. Monty will single handedly add reverse hipster street cred (it’s a thing because I made it up) to The ‘Vern and instantly solve the parking problems there.

 

 

Fells (Fell’s, or Fell’s’s) Point

Fells Point already has its own list of really clever nicknames like Fells, and …uh, Fell’s, but those aren’t hilarious or zazzy or involve puns, so I’m going with the fact that it’s on the water and our harbor stinks so it’s SMELLS POINT LOLOLOL

FELLS POINT FUN FESTIVAL, MORE LIKE SMELLS POINT FUN FESTIVAL AMIRITE – OR NO WAIT WAIT SMELLS POINT MUNG FESTIVAL, A CELEBRATION OF BEANS
COZ THEY MAKE YOU FART AND FARTS SMELL

AMIRITE

Canton

This one’s pretty obvious to anyone with a set of horse senses. Canton’s historic monicker may come from a mangled and antiquated English-to-Engrish name for a Chinese city – being the first to import goods from Guangzhou, but people these days are so dumb they think the reason it’s called “Canton” has something to do with “The Can Company Building” (although Baltimore was the first city to can goods historically speaking) and “O’Donnell Square” is “Canton Square” despite being named after the guy that basically invented Canton, so fuck it, let’s put a one-ton can of creamed corn in the middle of Canton Square and rename it Can-Ton Square in an effort to get really literal about it. The can will serve as an excellent draw for tourists, hobos and creamed corn enthusiasts/historians. On May 1st, children will decorate the can with streamers and prance around it like a …uh, what’s that thing called?

Welp, that’s three and I’m not getting paid to do this so it’s time to get outta here. *wump wump wump wump SLAM*