SpaceManAndy’s Rapidfire Advice!

Hi everybody! It’s time for another lightning round of advice. Earlier today I put the message out on Facebook and Twitter looking for any and all of your questions. I’ve answered them below. And remember, you can always send me your questions to advice@citythatbreeds.com or direct them to my twitter, @SpaceManAndy. Enjoy!

@BruceChalupa: What is your best gentleman-related protip?

Put deodorant on at night and wash it off in the morning. I’m serious. Deodorant doesn’t work by caking your skin, it works by absorbing into your pores. Put it on before you go to bed. Over night, it will absorb. Then your shirts don’t all get that nasty residue in your pits.

@Poofie: Where are the best places to get drunk outside, that aren’t full of tourists or douches?

With the amount of tourists and douches in the city, your best bet is to find a friend with a roof top deck. It’s cheaper, too. Unfortunately, most of the roof top decks in Baltimore are smack dab in the middle of douche territory (Canton, Fells, Fed Hill). I also find Mt. Vernon has a fair number of places to drink outdoors, and if you go to a gay bar like Grand Central, you can sit outside and not get bothered. (@evanthemayor: Howard’s in Mt. Vernon also has a sweet outdoor patio!)

Anonymous: How to I get my old lady neighbor to not hate me? She was already bitching (loudly and purposefully) about the styrofoam bits the furniture movers left in the hallway. and even though i cleaned it up, i still get the stink eye from her.

Old ladies love baked goods! It makes you look like a good girl. And if you bring her some, she will also think you respect your elders. Bake her some cookies, take them over to her and say something along the lines of “Hi, I’m Anonymous (but try to say your real name). I just wanted to introduce myself and bring you some cookies as an apology for any commotion or inconvenience that my move may have caused.” That should do it.

@Amykins13:  If you desperately want a wedding ceremony that is outdoors (so pretty!) and your fiance desperately wants a ceremony that is indoors (pollen hates his face), what’s the appropriate compromise?

Ok, remember, this advice comes from a professional semi-professional amateur pretend Advice Giver, not your friend who is forced to pick sides. Objectively, I would say that practicality of allergy/weather/sweat issues trumps aesthetics. I’d go for something indoor with a lot of windows. Or maybe you could find a venue with one of those big terraces or something so that there are indoor and outdoor spaces for guests to occupy. Maybe have the ceremony outside and the reception inside. I mean, Advice Giver Andy will tell you to keep your ceremony short. Friend Andy will tell you that if your ceremony is too long, he might have to use the bathroom and just not come back.

Joe (From Facebook): Why can no one drive worth a damn in the city but me?

You know how you go on Facebook and go “DAMN! everybody is going on amazing vacations and having amazing parties and have amazing careers?” It’s like that, but in reverse. It isn’t true, merely circumstantial. People only post their best moments on Facebook giving the illusion that their life has an abundance of rainbows falling out their ass at every moment. When people drive in the city, they are at their absolute worst, and you are at your least tolerant. You, as a county-dweller, I’m sure will tell me that city drivers are too aggressive and comfortable. Well, as a city-dweller, I would tell you that county drivers in the city never know where they are going and block the box because they aren’t used to not being able to get across, and they slow down at every fucking cross street to read the street sign. Like I said, it’s all about perspective.

@Nancy_Whiskey: How can I get my boyfriend to let me buy a baby sloth?

Withhold sex? If that doesn’t work, start taking away other vices one by one. No sloth, no sex. Still no sloth, no sex and no alcohol. STILL no sloth, no sex, alcohol or video games. In the end, he will either let you get a sloth, or (the more likely option) he will kick your ass to the curb. But then you’ll be single and can buy a baby sloth with no one stopping you. Then you can realize that sloths are actually filthy creatures with sharp claws and mold growing on them because they move so slowly. Then you can return the sloth and get a real pet.

Rachael (From Facebook): 1 week till boyfriends birthday… any suggestions?

Bake him an apple bacon pie from scratch. Use the extra dough to make boobs on top of the pie. We all know the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. The pie and bacon cover that. Also, men love boobs. Even I love boobs.

@CharmCityGavin: I have a book coming out next week. What’s the best thing I can do to promote it?

You hire me as your publicity consultant. I don’t give this shit away for free, you know. Ok, since I like you, and our kittens are siblings, I’ll give you a free tidbit: get your book published in a kindle edition as well as print. Make your book a free download for 24 hours. Social Media the shit out of it (yes Social Media is a verb now). Make it clear that it’s free in exchange for feedback. You might lose some money, but you will get valuable feedback. Also, even though it was sold for $0, it will still count as “sales.” The rest is gonna cost you.

@Pangwin: How can I get myself out of the “friend zone?”

Ah, Reddit’s favorite complaint. Here’s the dirty truth: You can’t get yourself out of the friend-zone. The object of your affection has to let you out. Step one aka the step most guys never even get to: TELL HIM/HER! If you don’t, how are they going to know. If they know, and are trying to ignore it, it’s because they don’t want you. Vocalizing it will help you get over it when they say no to your face. Do not villify her for not liking you if she does not like you back. It isn’t a crime. Be gracious. If you find you don’t want to be her friend after, then you weren’t really her friend to begin with. You were just trying to get into her pants, and she was right to not want you.

I don’t know, I guess that could work. Maybe?