SpaceManAndy’s Advice for Looking for my BFF

Dear SpaceManAndy,

I have always thought of myself as the kind of loyal friend who would be there for someone through thick and thin. The kind that you could call up at some ungodly hour and ask them to pick you up and bail you out of jail, or the kind that would listen to your troubles for hours and talk you off the ledge.

The problem is, I don’t actually have that kind of friendship with anyone. Most of my friendships as adults seem to have become casual friendships… someone you can hang out and have a great time with but not someone who you can bare your soul to or who would drop by to check in if they were worried about you. I don’t know if this is because so many people have “coupled-off”, or because everyone lives further apart than they did in college, but I can’t help wanting more.

It does seem like SOME people have close friendships as adults, but mostly the ones who want them already have them with someone else and aren’t looking to add another. Should I just resign myself to mainly casual friendships outside of my significant other, or should I keep trying?

Thanks,
LookingForMyBFF

Dear Looking,

Remember when you were in school? Before tests the teacher would encourage you to ask questions. Because if you had a question, chances are, someone else had the same question but was too shy or embarrassed to actually ask it. I think it’s the same thing here. Everyone needs friends. Your significant other is not going to go to all the movies or concerts you do. You need companionship, you need a confidant, a drinking buddy, someone to nerd out with, and perhaps most importantly, someone to take your picture.

I do NOT think that you should resign yourself to only having a significant other. Especially if your S/O does have friends. Being in a relationship already puts a lot of pressure on the both parties, making your sweetheart your only friend as well is just too much. What if you have a fight? Who do you go to? Everybody needs a third party.

Now, how does a grown adult go about making friends these days? It was easy in school with roommates and classmates and parties and everyone living in walking distance. It’s harder in the real world. Sure, there’s work, but being friends with co-workers can be tricky business. What you CANNOT do is sit around and wait for friends to come to you. You must be proactive. Put yourself in friend-making scenarios.

So, without further ado, I give you…

SpaceManAndy’s Guide to Making Friends in the Grown-Up World

1) The Local Bar

The first and most obvious benefit to this is the fact that alcohol is a well known social lubricant and is in essentially endless supply here. Go in with other people your first time so it isn’t too awkward for you I know you don’t have close friends, but you have some acquaintances. Drink. Make conversation with other patrons, focus on people who say they frequent the establishment. DO NOT neglect the bartender. Chat with them, get a feel for the flavor of the bar. TIP THEM WELL. You have now laid the groundwork for your own personal Cheers (but hopefully less family friendly).

When you feel comfortable enough to go it alone, you have everything laid out for you. If none of your barstool buddies are there, you can talk to the bartender (they should remember you if you were interesting in conversation and generous in tip), they may even give you the hook-up. After you feel comfortable with your new group, you can ask them to hang out outside the bar. This step is essential. There is a difference between drinking buddies and friends. Make sure you can hang out with these people drunk AND sober; see if the chemistry is still there when the beer is gone. Be sure to have your out-of-bar hang out someplace else public, maybe a movie or a play or something. You’re not ready for a slumber party yet.

Now, if you don’t drink or you’re too awkward to be trusted talking to strangers face to face, maybe try another option.

2) Twitter

I have found this to be a very effective option for making friends. It’s like getting to test drive friendships. First, create a twitter account. Next, tweet interesting things. Avoid tweets like “I don’t know what to tweet” or “Well, I’m on twitter, now what” or “I had a ham sandwich for lunch.” If you want followers/friends, you must be interesting. Start by following locals. Chat with them. If they don’t respond right away, don’t give up. Maybe they’re busy or maybe they aren’t interested. That’s ok. There are lots of potential friends out there. Find a good group that you get along with. Chat whenever it feels natural. You don’t want to be that creepy person that responds to every post someone makes. Now that you have some online friends, it’s time to see who makes it to the next round. People tend to make weekend plans on twitter. Keep an eye out for happy hours or events your online friends are attending. In a casual way, mention that you were also planning on going to that happy hour/event. Go to said event. While hanging out with your tweeps in person, see if you actually like them. Try to discern if they like you, without reading too much into things. Try to find a point in the conversation where you can suggest another hangout. Maybe you all like board games, or all want to try some new restaurant. Exchange numbers. Some of these potential friendships will lead nowhere. Don’t force it. You also don’t want to come across as desperate.

If one of your new potential friends stops responding to your texts, they probably wouldn’t make a good real friend anyway. At this point, you haven’t put much effort into it, so it’s no big loss. Just don”t give up. Like I said, you aren’t the only one who is looking for new friends.

3) Charity

There’s a line from the musical Avenue Q that goes “When you help others, you can’t help helping yourself.” It’s true. You feel better about yourself, and you have the opportunity to help yourself find some friends. Habitat for Humanity is a great organization. The people are usually very nice and it isn’t hard to find a local affiliate near you. You can volunteer one Saturday or every Saturday. Ask people if they want to grab a drink after the build. Remember, AFTER the build.

4) Meetup.com and the like

I’ve saved this one for last because I don’t like it very much. I see the potential, but to me it feels forced and uncomfortable. But hey, if you have weird, eclectic interests, it may be the perfect place for you. There’s no wrong way to make friends.

Or you could always take out a Craigslist ad. It would at least be good for the laughs. “L00KING 4 BFF PLE@SE EMAIL, LOL!!!!!!!!” But that hardly seems like you.

Ok, so maybe there is a wrong way. Just be yourself, put yourself out there, don’t push too hard and you’ll be fine.

I don’t know, I guess that could work. Maybe?
SpacemanAndy

Wow, you look really good today. Something new with your hair? It works for you. Hey, you know what would be fun? Emailing me a question at advice@citythatbreeds.com so I have something to write about next week. Kthxbai.