As you may or may not have heard, the National Aquarium in Baltimore will be celebrating its 30th anniversary this year. The plucky young upstart in the world of National Aquariums has prolifically expanded from a single building with a rainforest on top and a walrus tank on the side to three buildings, a dolphin show, and an Australian Outback (Steakhouse) exhibit, plus some sort of 4 dimensional theater. Beyond that, the organization has made great strides in the Baltimore area to clean some of it most embattled waterfronts, recently notably some several acres within the Spring Garden Industrial Area in South Baltimore.
To celebrate, the Aquarium has scheduled oodles of family-oriented activities over the course of the weekend, from storytelling to children’s singers to …more children’s singers, which is all fine and dandy – but I’m a grown ass man and I want the Aquarium to celebrate its dirty 30s the correct way. Let’s go over a few of these ideas/suggestions, shall we?
FRIDAY
- 6pmish – PETTING TANK HAPPY HOUR. The petting tank will be filled with jungle juice and cups will be distributed to patrons for a $10 donation. The horseshoe crabs and starfish are going to get so drunk!
- 8pm-??? – RAY TANK VOLLEYBALL. You may have never tried nor wanted to play pool volleyball in a tank full of stingrays, but holy hell is it fun. “It’ll keep you on your toes!” $10 per person.
SATURDAY
- 10pm-7am – DOLPHIN AREA RAVE. The dolphins of our National Aquarium will be trained to DJ all night long (they will be compensated with Mackerel) and continuously perform aerial tricks adorned with glow sticks, while the tank itself will be treated with a diluted MDMA solution. Patrons will be allowed to swim-rave with DJ Dolphin and the Dolphin Rave Squad, clothing optional. $50 per person.
SUNDAY
- 6am – BRUNCH. Build your own omelet station, waffle bar, all you can drink coffee. $30 per person.
- 8am – RELEASE THE KRAKEN. As we all know, the Kraken is a primary power source for the facility and a powerful weapon to boot, utilized to intimidate all other rival Aquariums in order to prevent them from becoming more powerful than our own. As a demonstration of our National Aquarium’s undeniable power, The Kraken should be released and allowed to utterly destroy a nearby rival, possibly Camden NJ’s Adventure Aquarium? In a time of increased tensions between rivaling and otherwise hostile Aquariums, our resolve must be absolute. This 30th anniversary of our great National Aquarium is that time, when all other aquariums will be reminded of the power and the fury of our celebrations. ….and face painting for the kids!
Hope to see you all at these great events! Happy birthday, National Aquarium in Baltimore!
(FYI if you’re turning 30 this year like the Aquarium, you can get in for $5 this coming Monday, August 8th. Just show them your ID.)
Shouldn’t the Kraken have lots of Hypodermic needles sticking out of him? and the dolphin rave is just asking for a dolphin rape.
Legit suggestion: BRING BACK THE GODDAMN SEALS/SEA LIONS (whatever they were)
Release the Kraken at Harford and North Ave.