3 ways to zazz up Pat Turner’s proposed “Eiffel Tower” for Baltimore

Reported today by The Sun and various other media sources, developer Pat Turner has proposed placing a 236-foot tall structure as the centerpiece of his recently ground-broken Westport development, a spiritual successor to all of the other developments he’s managed to score in the past 30 years or so in effect transforming Baltimore’s extended stretches of unused waterfront real estate into a vast sea of condos and mixed use luxury facilities.

The structure, with its potential perforated steel design covered in light emitting diodes, would stand as one of the largest pieces of “art” in America and would undoubtedly be forceably visualized by every citizen within miles of the city. Being that as it may, I propose 3 ways to zazz up this potential structure so as to be more pleasing to all of us, and for those coming into the city to feel welcomed. Enjoy! (click to enlarge)

	First up, it’s fairly well known that the majority of Baltimoreans widely regard the Male/Female statue as one of the most egregious eyesores – aside from our ever-spanning plains of blighted buildings – to affront the eyeballs of Penn Station commuters ever known. This design, dubbed “retribution” (the lower r is deliberate) is a quiet but taut message piece that says, “a new boss is in town when it comes to eyesores.” The male/female replicas, both at full scale, would feature illuminated blood pumps constantly drizzling onto the courtyard below. During the holidays, the colors could be adjusted to fit almost any occasion.
	If there’s one thing Baltimore needs, it’s a friendlier image. And it’s a scientific fact that gluing googly eyes and smiley faces to inanimate objects, no matter how intimidating or foreboding they may seem, automatically enhances their friendliness factor and makes them appealing to the viewer. This redesign, known as “children” would make the installation instantly friendly to all viewers and make Baltimore appear more welcoming.
	This design is called “truth in advertising” and features the world’s largest fully-functioning spoon and insulin syringes. The total cost to fabricate these additions is unknown, but their cultural addition to the sculpture would be incalculable.

Pat Turner, I await your response.