SpaceManAndy’s Advice for Nick in Brazil

PLEASE READ AND RESPOND TO MY CRY !!!

Dear beloved one…

As you read this, I don’t want you to feel sorry for me, because, I believe everyone will die someday. My name is Nick Benson, a merchant in Brazil. I have been
diagnosed with Esophageal cancer. It has defiled all forms of medical treatment, and right now I have only about a few months to live, according to medical experts.

I have not particularly lived my life so well, as I never really cared for anyone (not even myself) but my business. But now I regret all this as I now know that there is more to life than just wanting to have or make all the money in the world. I believe when God gives me a second chance to come to this world, I would live my life a different way from how I have lived it.

Now that God has called me, I have willed and given most of my property and assets to my immediate and extended family members as well as a few close friends. I want God to be merciful to me and accept my soul so I have decided to give also to charity organizations, as I want this to be one of the last good deeds I do on
earth. I once asked members of my family to close one of my accounts and distribute the money which I have there to charity organizations, they refused and kept the money to themselves.

Hence, I do not trust them anymore, as they seem not to be contended with what I have left for them.

The last of my money which no one knows of is the huge cash deposit of U.S$ 18m in two metallic trunks. This trunks were deposited in 2004 with a trusted Security Company in Europe. I want you to help me collect the trunks and dispatched the funds therein to reputable charity organizations.

Please reach me through my personal email address of: bnickbnsno@aol.com

Remember to keep this known to yourself alone and I for now, as I am doing this as a contribution to life on earth. I will also appreciate if you provide me with the
following informations, so that i can put you through the whole process.

(1) Your complete names
(2) Your private phone numbers including mobile
(3) Your present contact address

I will really appreciate your quick response. Once again this is my personal e-mail
address: bnickbnsno@aol.com

God bless you,
Mr.Nick Benson

Dear Nick,

First of all, I must say I am flattered. You must have read my column all the way from Brazil and decided that I am far more trustworthy. If you do not trust your own family, I take it as high praise that simply from reading my advice once a week, you find me to be trustworthy. I also have to assume that you don’t read my advice very carefully as I don’t have a firm grasp on the concept of morals. Unless by “Moral” you mean “beer.”

Also, if you wanted this to be kept confidential, why did you email an advice columnist? My sole purpose in life (ok, maybe not my SOLE purpose) is to answer people’s questions publicly so that others may benefit from my advice. Maybe somewhere among my readers is another foreign millionaire that needs to get his cash from metallic trunks.

So, for you, Nick, and all other dying millionaires out there, here is my advice:

Spend that money! Don’t give it to charity. You’re dying. You may not be well enough to go on an exotic vacation, but if you have 18 million dollars, you can make your final months pretty damn comfortable. I can tell you’re stingy since you want me to go get these cases from god-knows-where instead of hiring some professional people to do it, but seriously, live it up. Get a really expensive mattress, hire some high end escorts. Since you said you don’t trust your family, I assume, you don’t respect them either, and don’t care if they respect you. Use this money to indulge yourself.

If there is a God and heaven, I’m pretty sure you can’t buy your way in. If you’ve lived a shitty life, which it sounds like you have, you can’t just throw money at charity and make yourself a good person. Especially since your reasoning is not to help people, but rather to get into heaven. That’s dumb. If God is omniscient, won’t she know that you’re donating for selfish reasons? Yeah, that’s what I thought.

If you read this and still want to continue this course of action, I am more than willing to collect that 18 million. I’ll give it to a good cause, namely me, I’m pretty poor right now. But before we get started, I need to get to where these metallic cases are. As I mentioned before I’m kinda poor, so I need some travel money. In order to get the process stared I will appreciate if you provide me with the following informations:

(1) Your complete names
(2) Your private phone numbers including mobile
(3) Your present contact address
(4) Bank account #
(5) Routing Number

I don’t know, I guess that could work. Maybe?
SpaceManAndy