SpaceManAndy’s Advice for It’s Not Me

Dear SpaceManAndy,

I have a problem — I am too desirable.

I realize this doesn’t sound like a problem. I mean, who wouldn’t want
girls and guys throwing themselves at you, demanding your attention,
and wanting your mouth on their body. But you see, the problem is,
sometimes you get attention from someone you’re not interested in.
Someone who is just undeserving of all of the awesome that you have to
offer. This is what I am currently struggling with.

There’s this person who will just not leave me alone, or take no for
an answer. They’re constantly texting, Facebooking, and Tweeting at me
to hang out and be their bffl. Andy, I do not want to be their bffl,
their bff, their bf, or their f. I just want them to leave me alone.

The last time I tried to hang out with them and give them a chance,
the whole evening was very awkward, and ended with them trying
multiple times to put their mouth on mine. I’m all for casual hookups
and mouth on mouth interactions, but they just don’t do it for me. Too
pushy and awkward. I almost pulled a neck muscle trying to dodge their
many advances.

So what do I do, Dr. SpaceMan? Drop some knowledge on me.

xoxo,
It’s Not Me, It’s You

Dear It’s Not Me,

It is you.

I read the first sentence of your problem, and kinda skimmed the rest, and even that was enough to tell me what I need to know. Let’s assume you are as irresistible as you say. It’s not this poor person’s fault that they’re throwing themselves at you. Now a lesser advice columnist might simply suggest that you make yourself less attractive, but I know better. IF what you say about your magnetism is true, if you started dressing terribly, all your friends and admirers would think that was cool. If you stopped bathing, bathing would be about as popular as Google Buzz.

No, you need to do something more drastic. You need to have sex with this person. Bad sex. I know people say that sex is like pizza, even when it’s bad, it’s still kinda good, but that simply isn’t true. I have faith that you can be bad. Maybe you have to get up and take a shit in the middle, maybe you express the desire to use spicy mustard as lube, I don’t know, be creative, I’m not your fucking life coach. Once the deed is done (poorly) your problem probably won’t want anything to do with you, and when sex is that bad, word gets around. What? No, I’m not speaking from experience. Shut up!

The other option is that you are lying about your alleged desirability. In which case you’re just arrogant. This is, in itself, a turnoff. This is a much easier solution, and doesn’t require bad sex. Just tell your stalker what you’ve told me. That it’s not your fault that you’re irresistible. That you don’t blame them, that it’s only natural. Trust me, that will send them running.

I don’t know, I guess that could work. Maybe?

SpaceManAndy