The year 2009 was a banner year for harbor stench. As algae blooms, fish kills and raw sewage sprinkled the collective populaces’ noses with a bouquet of fetid and otherwise lovely aromas during the height of spring and summer, sadly these times passed on and the colder months reduced the city of Baltimore’s finest quality to a bare minimum. The harbor aerators aren’t running at full capacity, the clouds of brown not hardly as noticeable during a cold, cloudy day.
Unfortunately, due to some infrastructure improvements made by the city over the past year, the levels of raw sewage pouring into the inner harbor may be reduced by some degree. This lack of precious nutrients may cause a sharp decline in the algae population, which may in turn allow proper oxygenation of the water, starkly reducing the fish kill instances and robbing us of our precious stink. On the other hand, it is entirely possibly that there simply aren’t any more fish left to kill, in which case we may never enjoy the nostalgic aromas of a fine Baltimore June evening in quite some time.
Some experts are nervous for the upcoming season of reek. “My staff and I haven’t seen a single living thing in the Inner Harbor in over nine months,” states Deborah Kicklebaum of the Baltimore Dept. of Inner Harbor Wildlife, “we don’t actually know if there are populations of fish to kill at this point, and unless we restock the harbor with a healthy population soon for algae blooms to suffocate, we may not be able to enjoy another season of horrific stench come late spring.”
David E. Scott, director of the Department of Public Works, is more optimistic. “We here at DPW can assure the citizens of Baltimore that the levels of raw sewage infiltrating the harbor may be slightly lower this year, but they are more than sufficient to produce the high quality algae blooms that lower the life sustaining qualities of our Inner Harbor, and will certainly result in massive amounts of rotting fish carcasses for many years to come. You’ll still be able to be choked out of your seat at Camden Yards due to the green clouds of death.”
Currently the City Council is assembling a workshop to address the issue, with the intent of coming up with contingency plans in the event that the quality of water improves to the point that The Stenchening no longer occurs. Preliminary ideas involve dredging sediment from the bottom of the harbor and placing it in strategically placed dumpsters around the area, with high powered fans spreading the fumes.
reads like an article from The Onion. well done!