Presenting: The best missed connections

Greetings, Baltimore Internet. Please welcome newcomer contributor @banksmv with her debut column, a roundup of the best of the worst Missed Connections in the Baltimore area. 

Baltimore’s Top Missed Connections on Craigslist*
November 26-30


“Keep Me Blocked”
Date Posted:  November 29, 2012
Sex: Male
Age: 47

Message: “No one can deal with your shit like I have.  But not anymore.  No one and i mean no one comes before my kids!”

Questions Raised:  Do you know the purpose of Missed Connections?  There’s an angry rants section this would have been better suited for.  Is this for a significant other, an ex?  An annoying family member?  Perhaps your dog has been irritating you, and this is for them.  I’m really not sure.  Whoever this is for, if they read it, they won’t have any idea it’s for them.  Also, I’m getting strong Rita from Dexter vibes from you.

“Saw u pumping air”
Date Posted: November 29, 2012
Sex: Male
Age: 45

Message: “I saw you this morning at the Royal Farms on Washington Blvd putting air in your tires and have been thinking about you all day.  Did you see a spark or was it just my imagination?  Write me back and lets talk.”

Questions Raised: Call me old fashioned, but I never think to myself, “I need a man.  Maybe I’ll go to Royal Farms and find me a keeper.”  I wonder if you were even at a Royal Farms, or figured that sounded like a likely thing someone could possibly do.  You don’t even offer us the prerequisite shirt color or, “our eyes locked.”  Consider either more detail or better locations for finding your future mate/person to put air in your tires and share fried chicken with.

“Mosquito Girl, Why’d you leave so quickly?”
Date Posted: November 27, 2012
Sex: Male
Age: 27

Message: “You left really quickly, I hope you didn’t get the wrong idea.  The only reason I didn’t recognize you was the puffy eskimo parka that made you look like a snowman.  Just that time of the year.  Take care. :)”

Questions Raised:  Are snowmen considered sexy/flirtatious now?  Why is she a mosquito?  Do you, perhaps, have an insect fetish?  What does “that time of year” mean to you?  Do you just mean winter, or is she suffering from Seasonal Affectiveness Disorder? Did she leave quickly because she had to pee?  If I may provide you with an unsolicited wooing pro-tip (and I’m no pro), refrain from referring to ladies as some eskimo/snowman/mosquito hybrid in the least endearing way possible.  Next time, instead of “puffy,” perhaps you could compare her to one of Matisse’s rounder nude portraits?

“Working with … and without … you”
Date Posted: November 29, 2012
Sex: Female
Age: n/a

Message: “You are a nearly unbearable distraction in the workplace.  I find you in my thoughts more and more regardless of how ill fitted we may be.  Is it time for me to find another job and leave things be?”

Questions raised: Are you a U2 fan?  Have you considered a new career path, not just a new job?  You don’t seem engaged enough in your job and as a result, your mind is wandering.  Maybe find a new band to listen to that will help you choose your career path.  I’d start with Schoolhouse Rock.

*All of the above are indeed real posts on Craigslist and have not been fabricated.

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