DATELINE: JULY 13TH, BALTIMORE MD – At the North American Meteorological Buddies Leadership Association (NAMBLA) meeting this past Wednesday, held annually at the Baltimore Convention Center, keynote speaker Norm Lewis delivered the “heart-warming” news: Baltimore’s average temperature this summer will actually be lower than previous summers, down from 12,000,000,000 degrees Fahrenheit to a pleasant and chilly 10,000,000,000. The news couldn’t come at a better time, with Baltimore City public pools open and in full swing, the 2,000,000,000 degree difference will allow the water to stay in a liquid state for 0.0002 seconds longer prior to is direct conversion to a plasma state, rendering it a source of solar power.
“The rate of human spontaneous immolation will really drop dramatically this summer, and that’s a good thing for the city’s population numbers,” said Lewis in front of a crowded room of nearly 100 meteorologists, 4 of which were on fire and 16 were mostly composed of ash at that point in the presentation.
“And with such a mild rest of summer summer ahead of us downtown tourism should really get a nice boost, so we’re thankful for that.” Mr. Lewis received a round of applause from the crowd. As he stepped down from the podium to enjoy his lunch, he burst into flames. Marty Bass has been tapped to be the keynote at next year’s NAMBLA meeting.
The news comes at a time when the current Trump administration has proposed drastic cuts or outright elimination to any and all government programs that monitor Earth’s supposedly rising temperatures. With this NAMBLA report predicting such a precipitous drop in temperature for the Baltimore area it begs the question: has Donald Trump singlehandedly solved climate change? Probably. Which is to say, definitely.