The eulogy for Originality has been delivered. In the world of themed cyberspace journaling, the creative oxygen machine that pumps new thoughts into the minds of bloggers i.e., bored housewives, bipolar teenagers, crazed introverts, closeted gays, and struggling Asian writers, has long vented its final breath.

Just on TUMBLR alone, over 120 MILLION Blog Posts are uploaded DAILY, and trying to discover something new or innovative will keep you busier than a blonde who is put in a round room, and told to sit in the corner.

All those blogs from Relationships, to Self-worth, to Bulimia, and everything in between that you read when you were depressed, because you are moody and stared in the mirror and had some ugly creature glaring back at you, were likely reruns of other blogs, whose author derived THEIR work from the RECYCLE BIN of over-used topics, where the contents themselves were scavenged from the Universal Dumpster of Timeworn Themes.

Taking the crust of someone else’s creation, adding in your own filling, and hoping the result will be a new flavor is a common practice of writers. Some will even continue churning their OWN RECYCLED work, reprocessing it over and over, as evident of the plot of every Hollywood Romantic Comedy, Vampire TV show, or any Nicholas Sparks Novel.

Who needs to resuscitate Originality, when altering the recipe from someone else’s kitchen can result in a dish appearing “new”, and offering a fresh taste. It’s similar to that essay you plagiarized in school where you camouflaged the forged material with enough of your own words in hopes that your teacher didn’t recognize it, and thus inform your alcoholic dad, who would then backhand your face like a tennis ball from deep within the backcourt.

However, in the online world of personal diaries and commentaries, the strategy is the opposite, in that we WANT the flavor of the stolen TOPIC or THEME to be familiar to reader’s taste buds. Blog readers are extremely fickle eaters, and will gravitate towards the ROUTINE entrees. For example, a NUMBER in the Title linked with a RECOGNIZABLE topic will almost always guarantee a wider audience.

When we see “13 Ways to Fondle Your Wife”, or “21 Foods That Make Your Ass Explode”, it resonates with our curiosity. Readers love the “Lists” approach, especially the female population. Ask yourself, when was the last time your favorite magazine DID NOT feature an article entitled “X Number of Ways for Blah Blah Blah”?

If you come across two blogs titled “16 Ways to Drop Kick Your Mailman” and one titled “A Discussion with Habib Punjabi Regarding Water Use Efficiency in Subservice Textile Irrigation”, then I’m fairly certain I know which link your mouse will be clicking on.

This is known as the “Puff Daddy Approach” to writing, and is the secret to a successful blog.

With Albums released through Major Labels averaging 6,000 copies sold (500 only for Independent Releases), Puff Daddio knew that in order for a HIP HOP record to sell MILLIONS of copies, and reach the success of Legendary Artists like Justin Beaver or O-Town, Rap had to go beyond its niche market, which consisted of crack dealers, pimps, and the occasional Crip member. Rap needed to reach BEYOND the largest demographic of the genre’s music buyers, which are 14 year old white suburban boys whose parents make a combined median income of $325,000 annually.

Puff The Magic Dragon knew he had to get his songs on Top 40 Stations in order to appeal to mainstream America, increasing the chance that Harry Homeowner, Caucasian husband to Caucasian housewife Becky, will get an iTunes gift card stocking stuffer for each of their 3 Caucasian daughters Amber, Ashley, and Abaguandahlia.

At a time when most Rappers and Producers were sampling obscure songs, Puff Father chose to sample POPULAR TOP 10 HITS, knowing that if a melody was WELL-KNOWN and POPULAR, it will have a higher chance to RESONATE with the commercial audience. So he sampled everything like he was at Costco, choosing mostly the BIGGEST HITS of the 1980’s, and incorporating the samples, melodies, choruses, and interpolations into nearly every song he produced for his Label Bad Boy.

As a result, the airwaves and channels were ruled by the Poofy Puffmeister in the late ‘90’s, and the ‘Shiny Suit Era’ was underway, complete with fish-eye lens, close-up shots, and lots and lots and lots of fluorescent light bulbs. If you tuned into MTV during this time, you were guaranteed to see P. Diddy Puffy Puff bopping around in an outfit made out of Reynolds Foil Wrap, and making weird noises like “eh EH, eh EH” and “uh-HUH, Yea’Yeah”.

Marshmallow Puff’s epitome of successful sampling thievery was the swiping of The Police’s “Every Breath You Take’ for his 1997 breakthrough single “I’ll Be Missing You”. It didn’t even matter that Puff’s version of Sting’s masterpiece is straight garbage; horrid verses, and overflowing with nauseating sentimentality. Because when you first heard that song, you instantly liked every generic cheesy lyric of it.

Don’t Lie. You were bobbing your head and rapping along in your car every time it came on the radio. C’mon now… it’s okay. Sing it with me now!

“NOH’ TOUR’ REEOUS, Dey GAHT Tah KNOH’DAT! Life ain’t always what it seems to be! Words can’t express what you mean to me! I miss you BIG!!”

Puff's song has generated Sting upwards of $40 Million (over 25% of Sting's LIFETIME revenue from ALL his songs combined), and continues to bring him $2,000 PER DAY. Dang Puffy, all ya had to do was make a telephone call! — Puff’s song has generated Sting upwards of $40 Million (over 25% of Sting’s LIFETIME revenue from ALL his songs combined), and continues to bring him $2,000 PER DAY. Dang Puffy, all ya had to do was make a telephone call!

Sure Diddy Daddy didn’t make a cent off of the song, but he didn’t care cus it made Puffy Puff a household name. The song was simply a stroke of marketing genius. The fact that it contained that famous, beloved, instantly recognizable guitar riff from Andy Summers was all that was needed for it to become one of the best-selling singles of ALL TIME, and help P. Diddy Bop’s album push over 7 Million copies.

In fact, it’s not the first time a catchy, stolen Bass Line resulted in a massively successful Rap song! Alright, Stop! Collaborate, and listen!

Mr. Robert Matthew Van Winkle, aka Vanilla Ice, in a 1990 MTV Interview explaining that the bass line in 'Ice Ice Baby' is NOT a ripoff of Queen's and David Bowie's song 'Under Pressure'. Sounds legit. — Mr. Robert Matthew Van Winkle, aka Vanilla Ice, in a 1990 MTV Interview explaining that the bass line in ‘Ice Ice Baby’ is NOT a ripoff of Queen’s and David Bowie’s song ‘Under Pressure’. Sounds legit.

However, the greatest contribution of Sugar Corn Puff, is that while dancing in slow motion and splashing his feet in street puddles, Puffy was also subliminally teaching us writers how to blog. Just like an unfamiliar melody will make us change the station, an obscure blog topic will most likely be scrolled past. Hence, to appeal to the masses, writers need a popular bass line topic!

And with that, we now seamlessly segue into pussies. Pussies are a VERY POPULAR blogging topic. The interwebs just love pussies. I love pussies. Anything that has anything to do with pussies, we eat it up (see what I did there).

I recently came across some “Cat Texting” posts, and while some were scintillating, the majority just did not arouse my funny bone, which remained flaccid and left me feeling unsatisfied. I immediately knew that I could stimulate this topic better, and have you all squirting with excitement. Time to sample!

You see, unlike most of the others, my Cat Texts are 100% real. I myself, have 2 miniature cheetahs, Reeses and Molly, brother and sister who I was blessed to adopt from the SPCA in 2010 when they were about 5 weeks old. I adore my putty tats, as they provide me the most enjoyment an Asian male can have without a wok, minced ginger, and Sriracha sauce.

Reeses recently got an iPhone, and although he sometimes struggle using the keyboard with his paws, he has become quite adept at the method of swyping. He’s trying to learn facetime now. As far as Molly, she does not have a cell phone yet. She’s a Samsung kinda girl, and is waiting for the S5 to be released. She’s such a snob.

I convinced Reeses that by posting our text conversations, it will help improve human-feline relations as a good percentage of cats still do not yet own a smartphone, and posting these texts will help us better understand the mindset of a fat, lazy cat.

So, without further a’meow…