The Baltimore Orioles have had their fair share of up-the-sleeve tricks up their sleeves in the past few seasons in an effort to glean an extra victory or two out of their performance which could be described as “Incredibly piss poor even for farm league,” from literal Orioles Magic, to Velociraptor Clones, and some that the public may not even be aware of due to non disclosure agreements.
This season, manager Buck Showalter, unsatisfied with last season’s “Glower Power” training technique honed “to whip the little bastards into shape,” as he put it, has devised a new strategy to ensure that this season’s home games at The Yard turn out more favorably: by threat of certain death.
Showalter, who replaced former manager Dave Trembley after being famously ousted in favor of a Cal Ripken bobblehead, confirmed that in the 2012 season Camden Yards would have a fully functional MK6 nuclear bomb left over from the Cold War he had in his back yard until recently. The 8500 pound, 130 kiloton yield explosive will sit snugly behind second base on its own mound, ominously glistening under the metal halide lights.
“Yeah, I figured this thing would give those chuckleheads something to think about,” noted Showalter at a press conference, “I mean, I’m not saying I have or have not rigged this thing to explode at the push of a button or anything, or if it’s even live or not, but let’s just say it would be very wise of this ball club to not fall below 0.500 this season.” Showalter gave a knowing tap to his nose, and walked away from the podium amid a storm of questions from reporters.
When reached for comment, favored hitter and outfielder Nick Markakis stated “He’s tough but fair. Buck has a lot of experience in building teams and if he thinks using repurposed Cold War arsenal will help improve our game then I’m not one to question it. We’re just going to refocus on our fundamentals and try not to hit any line drives at that incredibly deadly piece of weaponry.”
Sunflower seed enthusiast Mark Reynolds could not be reached for comment.