Ray Rice’s secret to success, according to CBS


Ray Rice, as viewed under an electron microscope

As we await this Sunday’s Conference Championship game in which the Baltimore Ravens face off against the New England Patriots aired on CBS, let’s take a look back at some of the commentary between announcers Greg Gumbel and Dan Dierdorf this past Sunday during the Ravens/Texans game that didn’t make the broadcast. Greg n Dan rap about Ray Rice and the secrets of his talent, as described by many other CBS announcers.


Dan: So we of course have Suggs, Lewis, Flacco, Boldin, all superstars in their own right. And that Ray Rice, boy he sure is small. Ha, look at him, all tiny like that! He sure does try hard.

Greg: He sure does Dan, he’s so adorable I literally want to hold him in my arms and put a little acorn hat on him instead of a football helmet, that’s how adorable he is. Oh and he also plays football for the Ravens.

Dan: Actually about that, you know part of the reason Rice is so successful with running that ball is due to his small stature. At a mere three feet tall, he assume a rabbit-like speed in part because of a low center of gravity. That’s science Greg.

Greg: It’s sure is Dan and actually my understanding about that is that at his height, 27 inches, he actually begins to assume small scale laws of physics in which gravity applies less to him than the other players. This in fact allows him to run across water like some sort of water strider and climb up walls.

Dan: A valid point in and of itself. And did you know that with his frame Ray Rice actually can lift several times his own weight? His Ant Strength has been called into question by NFL officials as a possible violation, but since the NFL allowed Air Bud to play Wide Retriever back in 1998, the argument may be invalidated by precedent.

Greg: Well we’ll just have to let the officials decide on that, in the meantime let’s talk about how Ray Rice is actually composed of billions of molecular nanobots, allowing his internal systems to actually change shape and flatten themselves, which is also why he’s so strong – and because he can adjust his shape, he’s more equipped to slip through cracks in the defensive line of [the Texans], and also slide under door cracks.

Dan: I hadn’t heard that about Rice, just that he’s really really small and that’s why he’s so successful. Or maybe none of this is true and he’s just incredibly good at football?

Greg: Shut up, Dan.


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