Researchers at the NIH recently concluded a three year, $104 million study examining the survival qualities of individuals broken up into two cohorts: those that wear Under Armour brand athletic apparel while engaging in physical activities, versus those that do not. On Sunday in an article published in Nature, the findings concluded that it is, in fact, possible to engage in physical activities without adorning Under Armour brand sports apparel.
Commenting on these startling conclusions, researcher Paul Weintraub noted, “Despite the fact that human beings as a species had somehow managed to lift weights or jog outside without the benefits conferred by Under Armour brand sports apparel, their perceived levels of dedication and intensity were severely diminished prior to the advent of Under Armour and its superior breathability. As it turns out, the entire world was wrong.”
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Scientists organized the study in a double-blind fashion by providing test subjects with a) Under Armour brand sports apparel, and b) sports apparel made to look like Under Armour, but was in fact not Under Armour. The test subjects were then instructed to exercise as normal, under the close observation of trained data collectors.Much to the observers’ shock, none of the subjects in the placebo group dropped dead or had increased difficulty performing their activities. One observer, who prefers anonymity, stated “We all thought this was some kind of joke. We knew at least half of us had to be observing placebo subjects, but honestly thought at first that all of our subjects were wearing Under Armour brand sports apparel due to their levels of performance.” |
Nevertheless, after months of exhaustive data collection and six grant extensions the evidence is incontrovertible; working out without wearing Under Armour brand sports apparel will not decrease the effectiveness of the exercise activity nor contribute to an early death.
However it should be noted that these results are not without controversy. Many claim that the placebo sports apparel was so similar in design to Under Armour brand sports apparel that it in fact mimicked what many refer to as “The Under Armour Effect,” and are calling for a renewed study in which test subjects are blindfolded while they exercise and provided sports apparel that appears entirely different in design than Under Armour brand sports apparel. Dubbed a “triple blind study,” the estimated cost to tax payers would exceed six billion dollars. Considering the implications to the exercising public, the issue will be a live wire for future debate.