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After recent reports of a massive shooting spree resulting in the death of two and wounding of 17 people on Sunday, and with 13 murders thus far this year and dozens of shootings, the Southeastern District of Baltimore is now to be renamed “The Terrordrome” and placed under the world’s most massive geodesic dome. The emergency plan also includes the razing and salting of the surrounding area in an effort to “Completely sterilize the zone for the next thousand years until such time as future generations of humans can cope with the area’s problems,” stated Police Commissioner Frederick H. Bealefeld III in a press conference held today. “Nothing gets in or out of Terrordrome.”

The project, which will be using $496 billion in emergency funds diverted from Red Line plan, begins next Thursday. Residents of the area are encouraged to leave town immediately, lest the dome being airlifted in from Antarctica traps them forever.