In case you were not paying attention to the Baltimore area internet in the past few days, it was initially reported on Monday by Sun reporter Justin Fenton that during a pub crawl along Fort Avenue on Saturday (an overlapping pub crawl not associated with the one I plugged a few days prior), an altercation broke out which eventually resulted in one man being stabbed in the back by another, the details of which unfolded during the day in the form of edits on the original post. The nature of the report and the individuals involved – for whatever reason – sparked what essentially amounts to a race war in the comments section within a few hours; truly some of the most vitriolic commentary I’ve seen in relation to Baltimore neighborhoods and their opinions of one another in a very long time (this line of commentary continues on Sam Sessa’s Midnight Sun blog here). I recommend reading these as a case study on how truly screwed up we are as a community, especially given the fact that someone’s life was nearly lost in the incident.

(continue reading…)

When I received word that Federal Hill’s Riverside’s favorite neighborhood bar, Captain Larry’s, had a form of nachos that incorporated my two favorite things – nachos and brunch – I Scooby Doo ran my way down there and immediately used my mouth muscles and tongue to order them. The BRUNCHOS are $9 and come with tortilla chips topped with scrambled eggs, black beans, choice of bacon or chorizo, melted cheese, avocado & pico with sour cream & salsa.

Things that make this dish awesome to the max: firstly, the chips are well toasted. Secondly, the cheese, bacon and eggs are all layered together, which most other joints don’t bother doing. Thirdly, there is a ton of bacon on them. Fourthly, the portion is huge and is best shared among friends.

Which actually brings me to an interestingly foodosophical topic: brunch is a meal that is rarely a shared event. More on that later. At any rate, brunchos are a great idea and they’re different enough from chilequiles to warrant their own place in the annals of breakfast greatness. And the chunks of avocado are kickass.

(also they should make non-breakfast nachos, especially if they’re this quality)

SO how exactly do I rate such a thing? Breakfast nachos? With a golden donkey, since they’re so different? Or with the normal golden nachos? Guess what. They get both.

One golden donkey and four golden nachos out of …..5?

(view the NachoQuest map so far here)

Carolina Nachos - $5.75

At the suggestion of some guy with a blog, I moseyed on over to Harborque (1421 Lawrence St., Riverside) the other day to try their Carolina Nachos – nachos piled with cheddar cheese, beans, jalapenos, BBQ sauce, and A MILLION POUNDS OF PULLED PORK. For $5.75. And let me tell you something, these “nachos” transcend the human language in terms of description and can be really only be described using a low frequency sound normally uttered by whales.

There is so much pulled pork on this pile that it becomes more like a “crunchy meat pie with cheese” as opposed to “a pile of nachos.” My first bite was pretty easy – I scooped up some cheese, penos and pork and chewed on it, noted the deliciousness and went right for the second bite. But after about five mouthfuls, the sheer density of the nachos began to affect my reality. These things are like dark matter. After six or seven bites, clocks with alarms going off started spinning around my head, my roommates started looking like dragons with bees coming out of their mouths, and the sky turned a darker shade of fuchsia. I’m not entirely certain how much of these pulled pork nachos I actually ate, as I woke up later naked in a ditch on the side of Harford Road somewhere. That was a really awkward cab ride getting home…

Aaaat any rate, these nachos kind of defy a rating. They’re certainly not the best, but probably the one of the most unconventional nachos in the city, given the BBQ sauce and baked beans instead of the traditional nacho toppings. Plus, for the money and sheer volume of pulled pork you will inevitably develop meat sweats eating, they’re certainly one of the best values for both pulled pork AND nachos going. So for now, I will award the Carolina Nachos from Harborque the Golden Donkey – an award that defies logic and convention, until I can figure out a more appropriate award for them. Kudos.

One Gold Donkey out of One

(view the NachoQuest map so far here)

Individually topped nachos - $8.00

Immediately upon viewing the text on the menu for the nachos at Lime (801 E Fort Ave, Riverside) a red flag went up in my head. Described as “single serve” nachos, one can plainly see that these nachos violate the essence of the Nacho Manifesto – in fact I may include a fifth law in the Manifesto against such arrangements. Don’t get me wrong, each individual nacho is fully loaded with cheese, chili, sour cream, some tomato, and a single jalapeño – and it tastes just fine. But at the end of the day, you’re paying $8.00 for 13 chips total.

But they are arranged all pretty-like right? That counts for something, right?

…..naaah. I want a huge fatass pile of chips and toppings people, especially if I’m paying that much.

2 golden nachos out of 5

It recently occurred to me that South Baltimore is becoming a helluva decent place to go for crabs. And it rules. LP Steamers in Locust Point has some of the finest mumbo jimmies around at decent prices, they’ve been an institution for quite a while. Steamers is about as old school Baltimore as you can get and I love it. Meanwhile, over in the bustling Cross St. corridor Ryleigh’s Oyster has been running a “Shore Night” every Tuesday in season featuring $2 mediums and corn on the cob slathered in a feta/old bay/mayo spread that defies your mouth’s logic – it really is insanely tasty (and horrible for you).

LP Steamers

And apparently, Nobles on Charles St. has started serving $2 crabs as well, on Saturday evenings. Next door in Cross St. Market, Nicks’ Inner Harbor Seafood serves steam to order crabs at market prices, plus giant beers during happy hour – 32 oz. tubs for $5. I’ve definitely had quite a few of those, far more than I’ve had crabs there.

Don't Know Tavern

Not be outdone, two newer establishments have begun serving crabs in season. Taps Baltimore now serves $2 crabs on Sundays, and right around the corner Don’t Know Tavern started serving $2 #1’s (and possibly jumbos in the future) just yesterday, with plans to serve them every Saturday.

One of South Baltimore’s more venerable institutions, Bill’s Lighthouse Inn, serves crabs year round and has an amazingly cheap menu with huge portions. If you’re looking for an old school Baltimore restaurant experience, Bill’s is right up there with LP Steamers, with a wider selection on the menu. And if you’re willing to make the trip (like 8 blocks) over to the Hanover St. bridge, Nick’s Fish House serves crabs with a waterfront view, and live music on the outside deck. Nick’s gets packed during the season however, so be forewarned.

And finally, here’s a Google Map of all of them! (more to be added later… as I remember them)