This is a two part rant; Part 1 is mostly complaining. If you don’t like constructive complaining, just wait for part 2!

A few weeks ago after the announcement of the mayor’s proposal to levy multiple fees and fine hikes city wide in an effort to close the most catastrophic budget gap the city has ever seen, I made a brilliant set of suggestions as to how we might avoid such fees and fines, and possibly get Baltimore off of its collective knees for the time being. Welp, those suggestions were not addressed by the mayor or the city council. So I’d like to address these proposals head on.
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Guess what folks, Angry Mike is still pretty angry and apparently his ire has been piqued by the discount travel service Orbitz. Quake with fear, Orbitz, Angry Mike is gunning for YOU!!

A Love Letter to Orbitz
By “Love” I mean: “Go Fuck Yourself”
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Don’t get me wrong folks. Theoretically green beer on St. Patrick’s Day is a fun way to be festive without wearing 265754 pieces of stupid flair, wigs, leotards, “DRINK ME I’M IRISH LOL” shirts, whatever.

And once you’ve had your penny Guinness, your dollar Jameson, your two penny XTREME Guinness Bawls Guarana Car Bomb XTREME you’re more than ready and willing to swill down anything green, whether it’s beer or bong water. But GOD DAMN, I drank a few of these green abominations this past Saturday- essentially Miller Lite with water and food coloring – and I do declare I’ll never stray from the brown beers again.

…until tomorrow. When I do it again. Dammit. Happy Actual St. Patrick’s Day everyone.

With all this talk about Google possibly coming to town and laying down a fiber optic network the likes of which the world hath never seen, I would make it a point to note that in doing so, Google would be making an enormous humanitarian leap in releasing the city of Baltimore from the grips of Comcast, one of the only area providers of high speed internet. It is with this thought in mind that I anxiously present to you Angry Mike, a displeased (former) Comcast customer and former housemate of mine. Feel his pain, point and laugh. Take it away, Angry Mike!

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If you’re for whatever reason adverse to all caps, stop reading now. But I need to get this out.

HEY I HAVE AN IDEA!!! LET’S GO JOGGING IN FOUR FEET OF SNOW!!! ZERO VISIBILITY? BRO, I JUST GOTTA JOG!!! IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET!! EVEN BETTER, ON A SIDEWALK THAT ONLY HAS 40% OF THE NORMAL SPACE FOR WALKING, SO I CAN TOTALLY BE IN THE WAY ALL THE TIME!!! SHOVELING? WHA? HELPING OUT? NAH IT’S COOL!! MY SENSE OF COMMUNITY IS SO BLUNTED I’M JUST GONNA RUN AROUND WHILE EVERYONE ELSE BREAKS THEIR BACKS MOVING GIGANTIC AMOUNTS OF SNOW!!!

WELP, I GUESS BECAUSE THERE’S SNOW ON THE GROUND IT’S JUST TOOOOOO HARD TO PICK UP MY DOG’S SHIT. FAR BE IT FROM ME TO TAKE THE DOG SHIT BACK TO THE HOUSE AND PUT IT IN A TRASHCAN, NOPE!! THAT’S GROSS!! I’M JUST GONNA LEAVE IT HERE WITH THE 56789 OTHER PILES OF DOG SHIT. HAVE A GOOD ONE!!!

WAAAAAAH THE CITY ISN’T DOING ENOUGH!!!! WAAAAAH THEY’RE NOT CLEARING THE MOST SNOW BALTIMORE HAS EVER SEEN WITHIN FIVE WORKING DAYS!!! WAAAAAAAH I CAN’T FIND PARKING WHEN I COME HOME BUT I ONLY BOTHERED TO CLEAR THE 0.05 INCHES OF SNOW AROUND MY CAR AS NEEDED TO PARK IT AND NOTHING ELSE!! MY LITTLE PARKING CORRAL IS THE ONLY ONE THAT MATTERS – SO MUCH SO THAT I’M GOING TO PUT A SAWMILL ON IT SO AS TO SAVE MY LITTLE PARKING CORRAL!! HELP YOU AND EVERYONE ELSE BY BUSTING UP THE DRIFTS ON OUR BLOCK AND MAKING IT EASY TO PARK AGAIN?? WAAAAAAAAAH NO WAY!!! I’D RATHER CRY ABOUT THE LACK OF PARKING!!!!!!!!

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

ok I feel better.