Alright Quiznos, you’re on the shit list. The last time I ate a sub at one of your franchises, it was a pile of poo poo pee pee, these new Torpedo sandwiches are laughable, and now THIS?!?

Hell, Quiznos ads used to be sort of catchy (if not creepy) – little mice in outfits singing ridiculous songs and what not – now we’re down to a suggestively sexual toaster oven and a reference to a scat-eating video popularized by the internet?

I mean this video isn’t even funny or clever OR sexy, it’s literally just two girls “erotically” eating a Toasty Torpedo and making a mess of it. It does not in any way shape or form make me want to eat one of those stupid sandwiches. With pewp like this, it’s no wonder Subway is slaughtering Quizno’s in the franchise wars.

Here, I hope you like crap (slightly NSFW):
QUIIIZZZZNNOOOOOOOOSS!!!

Due to something of a “Search Engine Demand,” I have decided to put together the nutrition information for all of Quizno’s Toasty Torpedos and assemble it into a handy .pdf format – enjoy!!

(I would recommend avoiding the Big Kahuna Tuna sandwich)

(download here)

I mean, I enjoy Quiznos subs and all, despite the fact that they make it …difficult to find their nutrition information (in that, there is no comprehensive list of their data anywhere except via 3rd party sites) and their commercials have been historically ssstupid, but their newest venture has the one-two punch of being pretty lame and sounding super lame.

Duuuumb

Yup, you too can be one of the first to try a Toasty…. Torpedo. Torpedo. Coz like, a sub is too big, you know? And torpedoes are weapons shot out of subs, right? So this is like the weaponized version of a sandwich that got shot out of a larger mother sandwich. AWESOME.

Soak it in folks, this is the future of food. Slim, sleek bread (smaller size) and over a foot long (with less meat)! For only $4 – which by my count is a full dollar less than those jokers over at Subway who keep trying that $5 footlong gimmick – I mean, what a fad, am I right? Truly new and innovative – and ciabatta bread is soooooo fancy! I hear they even had it at Wendy’s at some point!

TORPEDO.

UPDATE!!! (2009-04-08) – Due to something of a “Search Engine Demand,” I have decided to put together the nutrition information for all of Quizno’s Toasty Torpedos and assemble it into a handy .pdf format – enjoy!!

(I would recommend avoiding the Big Kahuna Tuna sandwich)

(download here)