And lo, it is with great fatness that I present to you, my faithful nacho enthusiasts, the final official NachoQuest 2009 review. The winner of NachoQuest will be carefully considered and announced around the end of the month.

Ever since NachoQuest began some three-ish months ago, people have been telling me over and over and over and over that I ABSOLUTELY NEED TO TRY THE PULLED PORK NACHOS AT MAX’S TAPHOUSE (737 S BROADWAY, FELL’S POINT) BRO, THEY’RE THE TITS BRAH, OMG OMG OMG. And for a while, I was pretty excited about doing it, too. They come with salsa, cheese, jalapenos, sour cream and onions AND your choice of chili or pulled pork. The kicker, unfortunately was that according to the website they’re $11 and there was no way I was going to eat them alone.

So, after a million weeks of not eating the nachos at Max’s I finally grabbed a few of my friends and we were off.

And then we were kicked in the balls by the reality of most restaurants not keeping their websites up to date: The nachos weren’t $11. They were $12.50!!!! Plus an extra $4 for chicken! Sorry folks, but that’s blindingly expensive for nachos.

….ESPECIALLY when we discovered a large amount of NAKED CHIPS in the pile. Not cool guys, not cool. Our other companions ordered a separate order of nachos with only chicken and the results were similar. Mostly covered and a decent sized pile, but with some very naked and very expensive nachos at the bottom.

At the end of the day, the pulled pork was tangy and tasty as promised and all of the other ingredients were fine and dandy. But these nachos are easily the most expensive ones I’ve had; the quality prevents them from getting a lower score but if you’re in the market for nachos, go somewhere less expensive.

Three out of five golden nachos (realistically 3.5 out of 5 but I’m too lazy to make the graphic)

Things I learned while sampling the nachos at Kooper’s: 1) The addition of chili, in some cases, can actually elevate the quality of an entire plate of nachos. 2) My camera phone is horrifically shitty and I should seriously just bring my regular camera with me everywhere.

At any rate, the nachos at Kooper’s Tavern (1702 Thames St., Fell’s Point) start at $8.95 and come with the usual cheeses, jalapenos, black olives, scallions, salsa and sour cream. Add grilled chicken, $11.95. Though while I was ordering, I was told that I could either top them with chili or chicken, and could opt for a half portion instead of a whole one. Being tricky like I am, I opted for a half portion with chili – which came to roughly the same price as the standard nachos run. I for some reason was an idiot and thought that half portion = half price – definitely not the case.

The nachos were well loaded with the ingredients listed and salsa came on the side, which I appreciate since you can opt to dump it on the pile or dip individual chips (though if done correctly, the salsa should generally be incorporated into everything else). I think alone these nachos would have been just ok – but the chili really made a total difference. It was sweet, barbeque flavored and loaded with sliced peppers and onions, which really added a lot of flavor – “Zazz” if you will – to the whole mix. The kicker: when I was done with every last chip, there was still chili left!

Long and the short of it, the portion was good and the price was fair. If it were a whole portion for the same price I’d be giving these nachos 5 golden chips so fast it would tear your face off and I’m reaaaaaalllly leaning toward it anyway, but on the whole I’ve had more for less elsewhere.

Four golden nachos out of five

(view the NachoQuest map so far here)

It has been said by some that miracles exist in this world. Sometimes, lightning strikes twice in the same place, or two bullets fired from opposing guns collide, or a dog gets issued a credit card. This my friends, is one of those occasions.

I have heard from others and personally experienced legendarily bad food at Holy Frijoles (908 W 36th St., Hampden) over the years; tales of dried, cracked enchiladas, hard rice that could chip teeth and stale quesadillas that may or may not have been sitting under a rug some where.

But this time, THIS time. I am blown away. These nachos are fantastic. $6 will get you cheese, salsa, jalapenos, black olives and sour cream. For a buck more, your choice of refried or black beans. And for another added dollar, your choice of chicken, steak, beef, chorizo or veggies (those pictured were $8 with black beans and chicken).

What makes them fantastic? Well, the chips are light, unsalted and toasted to an almost-burnt but still damn fine crispiness. The ingredients are well mixed into the pile and there were no naked chips. The serving size, for 8 bucks, is pretty large – especially with meat included. And the salsa is fresh, with just a bit of cilantro.

But what set the value apart in my mind was this: for $11, you can get the “supreme” version of these nachos with EVERY SINGLE OPTIONAL INGREDIENT. $11 for nachos with cheese, salsa, jalapenos, black beans, refried beans, sour cream, olives, and all four meat varieties – AND veggies? Holy crap! Er, Frijoles!

Caveat – and this may or may not explain the quality and timeliness of service during my visit to this ‘versial establishment: I was the only one there, and it was during lunch. Your experience may vary and I exempt myself from any and all liability. Either way, this specific plate kicked total ass and it’s easily in the top 3.

5 out of 5 golden nachos

(view the NachoQuest map so far here)

It’s like, you know… I tried. I really tried. I tried my hardest to avoid watching the guy behind the counter making these nachos. Throwing a pile of chips onto a plate, throwing on some other stuff and a bunch of cheese, popping it into the oven for a minute or two, then dumping on literally a metric ton of salsa, sour cream and guac and putting it in front of me with a “BAM!” Needless to say, you can barely see the tricolored chips used as the base for Paper Moon’s (227 W 29th St., Remington) Machos Nachos under so much salsa, and for 9 bucks (add 3 more for chicken or portabello mushrooms) you’d be well served to avoid them.

But for the sake of record, the nachos come with tomato, onion, black olives and the rest of the stuff I mentioned above. And to be blunt, they were hastily and poorly prepared. And very expensive, considering what you can get for less at other places (chart for comparison forthcoming!). In fact, some of the nachos I’ve had as of late may warrant a reevaluation of some of my other scores. This was just… guh.

One thing I would note that might be worth trying for the incredibly curious consumer – they have a variation on their standard nachos called “Vegan Nachos” that use hummus and cucumbers rather than sour cream and cheese, for the same price. This I think could be pretty interesting, but considering the quality of the regular nachos I didn’t want to consider it myself (that, and I was full from eating the ones I ordered)

…at least it’s over with.

Just barely 2 nachos out of 5

(view the NachoQuest map so far here)

When I received word that Federal Hill’s Riverside’s favorite neighborhood bar, Captain Larry’s, had a form of nachos that incorporated my two favorite things – nachos and brunch – I Scooby Doo ran my way down there and immediately used my mouth muscles and tongue to order them. The BRUNCHOS are $9 and come with tortilla chips topped with scrambled eggs, black beans, choice of bacon or chorizo, melted cheese, avocado & pico with sour cream & salsa.

Things that make this dish awesome to the max: firstly, the chips are well toasted. Secondly, the cheese, bacon and eggs are all layered together, which most other joints don’t bother doing. Thirdly, there is a ton of bacon on them. Fourthly, the portion is huge and is best shared among friends.

Which actually brings me to an interestingly foodosophical topic: brunch is a meal that is rarely a shared event. More on that later. At any rate, brunchos are a great idea and they’re different enough from chilequiles to warrant their own place in the annals of breakfast greatness. And the chunks of avocado are kickass.

(also they should make non-breakfast nachos, especially if they’re this quality)

SO how exactly do I rate such a thing? Breakfast nachos? With a golden donkey, since they’re so different? Or with the normal golden nachos? Guess what. They get both.

One golden donkey and four golden nachos out of …..5?

(view the NachoQuest map so far here)