Quack

The year 2009 was a banner year for harbor stench. As algae blooms, fish kills and raw sewage sprinkled the collective populaces’ noses with a bouquet of fetid and otherwise lovely aromas during the height of spring and summer, sadly these times passed on and the colder months reduced the city of Baltimore’s finest quality to a bare minimum. The harbor aerators aren’t running at full capacity, the clouds of brown not hardly as noticeable during a cold, cloudy day.

Unfortunately, due to some infrastructure improvements made by the city over the past year, the levels of raw sewage pouring into the inner harbor may be reduced by some degree. This lack of precious nutrients may cause a sharp decline in the algae population, which may in turn allow proper oxygenation of the water, starkly reducing the fish kill instances and robbing us of our precious stink. On the other hand, it is entirely possibly that there simply aren’t any more fish left to kill, in which case we may never enjoy the nostalgic aromas of a fine Baltimore June evening in quite some time.

Some experts are nervous for the upcoming season of reek. “My staff and I haven’t seen a single living thing in the Inner Harbor in over nine months,” states Deborah Kicklebaum of the Baltimore Dept. of Inner Harbor Wildlife, “we don’t actually know if there are populations of fish to kill at this point, and unless we restock the harbor with a healthy population soon for algae blooms to suffocate, we may not be able to enjoy another season of horrific stench come late spring.”

David E. Scott, director of the Department of Public Works, is more optimistic. “We here at DPW can assure the citizens of Baltimore that the levels of raw sewage infiltrating the harbor may be slightly lower this year, but they are more than sufficient to produce the high quality algae blooms that lower the life sustaining qualities of our Inner Harbor, and will certainly result in massive amounts of rotting fish carcasses for many years to come. You’ll still be able to be choked out of your seat at Camden Yards due to the green clouds of death.”

Currently the City Council is assembling a workshop to address the issue, with the intent of coming up with contingency plans in the event that the quality of water improves to the point that The Stenchening no longer occurs. Preliminary ideas involve dredging sediment from the bottom of the harbor and placing it in strategically placed dumpsters around the area, with high powered fans spreading the fumes.

Continuing the “I’m a big dumb tourist who likes to follow Anthony BOREdain’s travels” Mealtime! series…

What: Cold Seafood Platter, Calamari Appetizer Where: Mo’s Crab and Pasta Factory How Much: $15.99 for the platter, $8.99 for the calamari Synopsis: I have heard ten billion horror stories and ten billion happy stories about the service and quality of food at Mo’s over the years, and by the time I got there after not having been there since the age of about six, I was ready for pretty much anything. I can say pretty safely now that Mo’s is a place for locals, and the people who get pissed off about the service are tourists or transplants. It’s as simple as that. I won’t go into why for the sake of wall of text syndrome, just trust me on this one folks.

Regardless, I can also pretty safely say that both of the items featured here were really, really good. The cold seafood platter had a huge helping of jumbo lump, shrimp, oysters and clams. For the record, raw clams are GROSS DON’T EVER EAT THEM BARF – but the rest was pretty fresh and very tasty. The calamari was lightly fried and didn’t get grease all over everything, and the portion was pretty huge. Split between two people, this Mealtime! was tasty and priced on par with most seafood joints around the area (expensive).

We didn’t try the blue drank, but the dranks we did have were stiff and pretty cheap. It’s a rowdy crowdy at the bar in there around happy hour, that’s for sure. Maybe it’s due to what the commercial for a completely different store says: you just gotta go to Mo’s!
(If you’d like to submit your own mealtime entry, follow the simple guidelines and email me!)

Commuters are reporting this morning that a group of children, aged 8-16, are armed with pogo sticks and are rampantly pogoing throughout the Harborplace thoroughfare, smiling widely. One commuter who wishes to remain anonymous stated, “Yeah them kids is lookin all wild eyed and smilin, they gotta be on somethin!!”

No word yet on whether Social Services, the Police or the National Guard have been notified. MORE AS THIS CRISIS DEVELOPS!

FILE PHOTO