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In our last episode, we covered five possible alternative uses for the male/female statue in front of Penn Station that currently offends the eyes of all things living. And since the statue has officially been repurposed, now we begin the process of searching for a replacement. (click for big)

	As was suggested previously by Baltimore Chop, the highly sought after statue of Frank Zappa which is supposed to be put up… somewhere in this city is an option. Oddly enough this looks 40 billion times more “Baltimore” than pretty much anything else. But I think we need a bit more …zazz.
	…so how about this totally bitchin’ axe? A 50 foot flying V would be a constant reminder to everyone as to how hard Baltimore shreds. The guitar would come equipped with a loudspeaker that blares Dokkyn 24/7, and whenever a train arrives to the station it could play an immensely loud guitar squeal or solo, audible throughout the entire city. Rocks pretty goddamned hard, right? “The 8:15 from Philly has arrived. WEEDLY WEEDLY WEEDLY WAAAAAH”
	…BUT NOT AS HARD AS TRUCKASAURUS!!! THIS BITCH WILL KEEP THE MORNING COMMUTERS ON THEIR TOES!!! YEAAAAAHHHH!!!!! YOU’D BETTER MOVE YOUR CAR WITHIN 5 MINUTES OR THIS ENGINE OF MAYHEM WILL DESTROOYYYY!!!
	Too violent? Ok, let’s go with function over form. This amplified sonic tower emits a high frequency sound, attuned specifically so that only Yankees and Red Sox fans can hear it – the sound is so irritating to their cauliflower ears that they will be unable to come within four miles of the city’s borders, forever solidifying a sense of peace and tranquility in our fair land during baseball season. Off season, the tower will emit the sound of purring kittens.
	Mmmmmm functional, but not very fun. How about this super fun rock climbing wall. White people love that stuff! Plus a smoothie stand at the base! Fun AND profitable!

So until the city decides to use one of these fantastic ideas as a replacement for male/female, we’ll all just have to keep our eyes closed when within visual distance of Penn Station. Especially while in traffic.

Since 2004, Baltimore has been forced to acknowledge the fact that it for some reason commissioned a guy to build received the gift of a 51-foot tall metal statue with a glowing heart in front of Penn Station from a private organization, enjoying a level of eyesore that causes even the blindest infant to wince. The metal menace known as male/female continues to offend the eyes/hearts/minds of Baltimore – nay, Earth, and it is time to begin suggesting some alternative uses for the gobstrocity so we can finally get our $750,000 worth. I humbly submit these ideas for public consumption. (click for big)

	While male/female may be somewhat useless as a piece of art, it does emit light and is very tall. For these reasons it could potentially be a fairly decent lighthouse, guiding our beloved clipper ships home to safety.
	Through me you pass into the city of woe, Through me you pass into eternal pain, Through me among the people lost for aye. Before me things create were none, save things, Eternal, and eternal I endure. All hope abandon ye who enter here.
	Sheila Dixon may no longer be mayor, but lordy knows she still needs protection! And since the tide of public opinion may prevent posting live officers outside of her home all the time for very long, perhaps male/female could be adjusted to be motion sensitive, its heart illuminating when dangerous intruders come prowling! Worry not, disgraced mayor! You will be safe!
	Paw that has got to be the best scarecrow we done ever bought!! Let’s go wrestle some pigs!!
	“Houston, we have a problem.” “One small step for a man, one giant ugly stupid metal statue” “Insert other moon joke here” Whatever, let’s just send the damn thing to the moon.

Some of the best comedic writing ever seen, in cartoon form? Yeah. Watch Archer. Brought to you by the same guys who dropped Frisky Dingo (a show I never really got into) and starring the likes of Chris Parnell, Aisha Tyler and Jon Benjamin? Watch Archer.

Throughout the last ……4397534 days of snow, the Baltimore area continues to collectively shit its pants and devolve into an infant state, a lot of which I would like to complain about in a timely fashion. But before I do, I continue to die laughing every single time I see Mr. Accuweather, over and over.

Hilarious.

And speaking of the internet, Foot’s Forecast literally exploded onto the scene as the most popular …weather blog (?) I’ve seen pretty much ever. Strange, as it seems they’ve been in operation for six years and change, but I hadn’t heard of them until last week. But they do damn fine work and you should check them out!

One more internet point: internet humor, it would seem, has reached real-time. Once upon a time, internet jokes would saturate the market after a period of several weeks, stop being funny, and then proceed to be forwarded to you by your mother 7 months later. Now it would seem the rules have changed thanks in part to #hashtags, Facebook, on and on and on – until we see the President himself engaging in an internet joke by referring to the whole thing as “Snowmageddon” and taking credit for naming the blizzard. Well played internet, you’ve destroyed humor!

Coming up next: more pictures. If there’s one thing Baltimoreans do engage in enthusiastically during a snowstorm, it’s photographing the whole damn thing. That and drinking. A lot.