Dear SpaceManAndy,

I am a pedant who believes that only a drink consisting of gin and
vermouth (and possibly bitters) should ever be called a Martini. I
also believe that such a drink should always be stirred, never shaken.
In this world dominated by Grey Goose and James Bond, will I ever find
true love? Or at least a blowjob?

Signed,

Cocktail Nerd in Oakland

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For a while now, Foursquare has enjoyed something of a meteoric rise in popularity among the gadget headed, internet craving individuals of this nation. And while the frigging movie Valentine’s Day has its own Foursquare badge and page, the entire city of Baltimore ain’t got no badges of its own (although, the Baltimore Sun has a page). Which is why I decided to sit down, fire up some 3rd grade Photoshop skillz and make a few badges for Charm City, as inspired by MMMcDermott’s 6 Foursquare badges that should exist. Enjoy!

Orioles Magic: You’re either a glutton for punishment, or a season ticket holder! This is your 5th checkin at an Orioles game.

Hipster Scum: You’re unemployed, but hey, at least you’ve got that trust fund check and PBR! (attained by checkins at venues tagged “hipster” a la Golden West)

WTF is that thing??: Yeah, we don’t know either. This is your first checkin at Penn Station!

Bodymore: Keep earning that pension! This is your 5th checkin at the scene of a homicide.

You’ve Got Crabs: Baltimore does one thing incredibly well, and that’s steamed crabs! This is your 3rd time eating them! *

* yes I am aware that the crab featured in the badge is not a genuine Chesapeake Bay blue crab but YOU try finding the appropriate clipart!

MORE COMING SOON (maybe)!!

I’ve discussed previously my love of unintentionally (or intentionally) hilarious spam comments, but this one actually deserves an award. With any luck this poor person will soon be free of Russian Mafia enslavement! (mildly NSFW)

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Faced with the worst record in the major leagues last Friday (15-39), president of baseball operations Andy MacPhail made the landmark decision to replace manager Dave Trembley with something just as effective; a trio of collectible Cal Ripken Jr. bobbleheads. “Really this one’s a no brainer. The symbolic presence of Cal will provide every Oriole with the positive energy they need to succeed, and with even the slightest breeze these bobbleheads will nod their heads approvingly of every decision made on and off the field.”

The bobbleheads will cost the club $49 USD with a salary of $0 annually, considerably less than Dave Trembley’s, which may offer the opportunity for the Orioles to boost their bullpen in the interim. Among the strategies for doing so include buying lots of prison grade crystal meth, anabolic steroids and possibly a rocket launcher. “We’re open to all possibilities,” noted McPhail, “in this rebuilding phase of the club it seems we’re through the looking glass.”

That Chartreuse will getcha every time! (via Idle Hour)