Yeah at first Snuggies were kind of funny to me. The cult-member appeal, the idea of wearing the equivalent of a hospital gown made of LUXURIOUS material granting everyone the ability to answer the phone without the major hassle that a blanket might confer, I could kind of see it. Plus, the commercials are a gas.

But like most as seen on TV products, things have gone overboard. Like the Chia Pet before it, Snuggies have become insane mutations of themselves, coming in zebra pattern, dog varieties, and the dreaded Peekaroo (not an actual Snuggie brand product but far more sinister) – just to name a few.

And you’d think with 47 varieties of Snuggies and various god awful commercials associated with each one, that’d be enough. You’d be wrong. The latest Snuggie commercial features a horrendous theme song, lame ass white guys raising the roof, and families of Snuggie adorned dumbasses “Getting on their Snuggie!”

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE!!!! There’s also a really horrible Snuggie Fan Club website where awful, horrible people can upload pictures of themselves and their dogs in Snuggies! Or maybe report on Snuggie bar crawls that they went on! There’s even a completely useless flash game in which you can upload pictures of your friends and have them dance in Snuggies!!! (except it’s completely broken and doesn’t work, I even opened it in Creative Suite and tried to get it to work with no success)

PLEASE STOP IT, SNUGGIES! YOU’RE KILLING US ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

It has been entirely too long since the previous installment in our ongoing Jamaica Tales saga, and this last chapter is what I like to refer to as “a doozy.” A “barnburner,” if you will. A tale of epic horror, rivaled only by some sort of horror movie that has yet to be created by man or beast. Enjoy!
(continue reading…)

The Youtube Suggestion box is normally pretty useless, but over the course of the last day or two is has proven to be perfectly capable of producing some comedy gold. The next selections birthed by the bowels of history came about seemingly as a result of my use of The Hunger music video in a recent post. They are certainly very, VERY strong contenders for the crowned title of Worst Music Video Ever, Ever.

This first video comes courtesy of a band I have never heard of, with a song called “Apache!” but the tune is seemingly very… familiar. Ah, now I remember. It was sampled by Sir Mixalot in “Jump On It.” This video is truly special, as it has all of the production value of camping with a weird looking white dude in a crappy indian costume. It’s pretty much sheer brilliance (with bonus racism!).

This next video, if you’re capable of watching it for more than four seconds without having a seizure, is kind of a fluke. Youtube seems to want to suggest that it’s the worst music video ever, but really it’s just Japanese. If I were to close my eyes and envision Japan, this is basically what I see.

And finally, oh finally, we come to the true breadwinner. Were I able to adjust this font to some sort of cursive manuscript with flowing, feathered accents I would not hesitate in doing so when I announce that this video, “Losing You” by the most handsome woman on Earth Jan Terri, is as of now in the running (top three) for Worst Music Video Ever, Ever.

Pure, unadulterated amazing. It has everything. Mullets, 1993, horrid camera work, absolutely no point, and a production value whose case equivalent is that of a Nine Lives coupon. I am in ecstasy.

Whilst engaged in an online discussion regarding gross soft drinks, the usual suspects of seasonal Mountain Dew flavors versus Mr. Pibb XTREME were thrown around, until someone dropped a big, fat, curious bombshell:

Yes friends, if your eyes are working properly you are seeing the same thing that I did; the unholy union of Budweiser Brand beers and Clamato. CHELADA. After stifling a dry heave, I decided to look into this seemingly nightmarish drink idea and sure enough, dated January 14th 2008, the fine folks at Anheuser-Busch put out a press release announcing their triumphant foray into the world of…. latin-themed drinks. Apparently, “Chelada” is like a Mexican’s drinkable BFF.

The press release is a true gem of industry-speak in motion, observe:

The name Chelada is a shortened form of the Spanish word michelada which loosely translates to ‘my cold beer.’ To order Budweiser or Bud Light & Clamato Chelada, one might say: “Una michelada con clamato, por favor.” To shorten that but still keep the beer recognizable as the traditional recipe, Anheuser-Busch focused on the name Chelada.

“One look at the can and you know that this beer is the real thing – Budweiser and Bud Light mixed with authentic Clamato,” Vitrano said. “This is a savory beer that will appeal to adult beer drinkers, particularly those who enjoy beer mixed with Clamato.”

That last sentence is fucking hysterical.

At any rate, I electronically saunter over to wikipedia and find that yes, in fact, Michelada is a real drink made by real Mexicans. Having read the full list of ingredients provided, the immediate words out of my mouth were “It’s a ghetto bloody mary.”

Michelada Recipe (thanks Wikipedia)
Into a chilled salt-rimmed mug or glass pour 325 mL (12 fl. oz.) of tomato juice or Clamato. Clamato is becoming more common.

* A few drops of hot sauce, such as Valentina, Bufalo or McIlhenny’s Tabasco sauce.
* A few drops of Worcestershire sauce
* A few drops of Maggi seasoning or soy sauce.
* Squeeze a lime wedge (lemon would neither be strong nor sour enough).
* Mix the ingredients in the glass.
* Slowly add one 325 mL (12 Fl. oz.) Mexican beer (preferably a light beer like Tecate or Dos Equis)

And as I read about this savory beer, this once revolting concept, a certain curiosity overwhelms me…. I have to try this shit. I’m going to try this shit.

YEAAAAAAH BUDDY

I don’t know why or how, but the song from this klassic internet komedy kommercial got stuck in my head this afternoon:

not to be undone by its inherent level of disturbitude, comes a followup commercial:

BABY DONGS ARE HILARIOUS